Tdlr: Graduated college, I currently feel lost and directionless and lonely so I overeat. I’m starting to get some intrusive thoughts. I need to put a stop to it before it’s too late. Any tips?
I know I been losing my grip and I don’t know how to stop it.
So, Background info: I started my weight loss journey on January 2018, right after my study abroad program in Argentina and Chile when I saw a picture a friend took of me on the trip. At the time, I knew I was heavy; I felt cumbersome and had trouble doing active things on the trip like needing help to get on a horse to ride through the mountains or slipping and struggling to get on a boat so we can row down a river. Besides that, my dad –who never really made any comments about my weight- started to tell me I needed to lose some weight. I knew I wasn’t at a healthy weight (I never been at one in my whole life, I was always the fat kid), but seeing that picture was the kick I needed. When I came back, I was at 215lbs as a 5’4 ft woman.
Somehow I stuck with it. I started with keto because that was the new big thing then. It’s funny, but I never really liked fat like that; things like fatty bacon, fatty ground beef, cheeses were not my thing. I lost some weight but the keto rash scared me off that diet (I still have some marks on my skin because of keto, it really kills my confidence btw). I soon transitioned to just straight cico and heavily relied on my weight scale. It has been a bumpy ride, but I somehow lost about 80lbs. I am unsure of the loss now because I have been scared to weight myself lately but I was at 135lbs as of june.
Anyways.
I graduated on May 2019 with a business degree, and soon after found a job with a big company. That is when I started to lose my grip on my plan.
It started slowly. I graduated and had a big meal to celebrate this achievement. I traveled to NYC to celebrate my new job and visit family before starting my career –it goes without saying I ate a lot during that trip. I came back to work and I participated on food events in the office to become part of the team. And now? I just eat, despite knowing the damage im causing.
I think its because I feel directionless. All my life I been working towards one goal : get my education. Its always been about school and grades, and getting that degree. It sort of became my identity; first person to go to college in my family, first to graduate. I am a student, or rather, I was a student. Never dated either, but I think that’s because I always thought I wasn’t attractive and why would someone want to date me? “Ill date when I lose the weight”. Well, I never lost the weight lol.
But now? I don’t know who I am. And the cherry on top? I feel so damn alone.
All my life I been focused on getting my education, so I never really made friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had acquaintances, people I compared notes with and co-workers at my workstudy job in uni. But never friends. I been thinking back lately about that, and I think the last friend I made was in 3rd grade right before moving to the US. Its sad, but I just don’t know how to make friends now and my social skills are so poor its laughable. I don’t really have anyone to talk to so when something happens, I always call my mom.
I live alone, my family lives in a city about 4 hours away from me. I currently live in an apartment and the only furniture I have is my bed and my desk for my pc, so I only hang around in my bedroom right after work.
So this is my life: I wake up, I work, I return to an empty apartment, feel alone, eat away to fill the emptiness, perform some self hatred, then go to sleep. Rinse, rise and repeat.
I know what I should do; take a grip on my eating habits and go out of my apartment more. Join some type of club or something and meet people that way. But eating is such a social thing that I feel afraid that if I make friends, all they want to do is go out and eat. But if I stay in and get a grip on my eating, I will be alone.
It stresses me out so I just eat to fill that empty feeling. Then I hate myself even more. So I eat some more. It’s a vicious cycle.
I guess what I am asking for is, what can I do? I cant go on living like this.
Yesterday, the office had an icecream event, I went to get some to participate but people were in groups talking to each other and I was just hanging on the side alone. I went back to my apt and what did I do? I ate half a jar of peanut butter and about 6 slices of bread. On top of my mealprep. Then I went to burger king and got an impossible burger, a whopper, medium fries and a small diet coke lol. I felt so full that my stomach felt tender and hard to the touch, and I briefly thought of sticking my finger down my throat to barf it all up. That thought scared the hell out me; I never thought anything like that before. I know I never really had a healthy relationship with food but damn, it’s never been like that before.
Sorry its all over the place, I have a lot of downtime at my job atm
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