F27 5'6 180 lbs
I am feeling rather upset with myself at the moment, so I thought I would journal out some of my issues here in the hope that someone will have some tough advice or encouragement. I have been a lurker on this subreddit for a long time, but I have made a new account today to try to start afresh on my weight loss and fitness journey.
I have realised recently that I have a real problem with emotional eating. I am going through quite a stressful period of my life as I am applying for med school and the process is really draining my energy. I constantly feel uncertain and anxious about my exams, references, and work experience. Whenever I feel like this, I turn to food. The weird thing is that it doesn't seem to matter if the emotion is positive or negative - I will always end up binge eating. When I finished my final exam last month, I bought 6 (!) bags of candy on the way home and ate them all as I drove. I felt very happy and relieved to have finished the exam, and I guess I wanted the comfort and reward of sugar. When I got home, I immediately opened a beer and ordered a takeaway. I can't drive by the store on my way home from work without popping in there to pick up an energy drink (albeit zero calories) and some snacks. I feel like I'm almost addicted to dopamine.
Another challenge in my life right now is that I am having to live with my parents while I complete the med school application. This is because I am working a very low paid job as a healthcare assistant (which I do really enjoy). I get along really well with my parents and I am very lucky to live in a comfortable house. Plus my dog is here so I can hang out with him whenever I want. I am planning to move out in early 2023. My mom insists that we eat together 'as a family.' And we all have to eat the same thing. Furthermore, she likes to be in charge of the shopping and pay for our food. I am extremely grateful to her for this, but it must be said that she tends to buy very unhealthy things. She gets annoyed with me if she catches me eating these unhealthy things though and tells me off as I'm 'supposed to be on a diet.' I know she is only trying to help me, but it tends to make me feel irritated and I just end up eating more to get my own back. This all feels very childish for someone who is 27 years old.
I know that a calorie deficit (CICO) is what's needed. I just get totally confused by all the different numbers. Like if I go for a 'sedentary' activity level (which, to be fair, is probably what I am at), then my calories only seem to come out at about 1400. This seems low, so I think maybe I can bump them up if I do loads of exercise. But then I know it's hard to sustain a high activity level when you're in a calorie deficit. Basically I just go round in circles like this, overthinking the whole thing.
I also find it very hard to stick to a deficit. On a Sunday evening, I will be in a positive, motivated mindset, and will have a plan for the week ahead. But then by Tuesday lunchtime, I'm at work, tired, and wanting the comfort of candy/junk food. By Friday night, I'm always on the beers and I just think 'I can start on Monday.' It's like I'm 2 different people. I really want to lose weight because I feel so under-confident about my body. I have spoken to a doctor about getting a breast reduction, and she told me that my breast size would probably go down a bit if I lost some weight. This was very motivating to me at the time, but now I've lost all willpower and focus. I eat like shit and I don't know how to get myself in check. I have spoken to my therapist about this problem and she's just said there's nothing wrong with being fat and I should learn to love my body whatever shape it's in. This feels kind of unhelpful for me at this point.
There's a lot here. Thank you for listening to me if you've got this far.
TL;DR - I feel like I am 2 different people: one who is motivated and wants to lose weight, and one who just wants to binge and comfort eat. How do I break out of this cycle?
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