I am having a hard time lately.
I have had success with my weight loss journey thus far. In November 2020, I went to see a doctor to get a general physical on because I hadn't in a very long time (like 10 years) and it was made very clear to me that I had to lose weight. I am 5'0 but I weighed 197 lbs at the time.
My doctor sent me to a nutritionist (or a dietitian, I can't remember) and I tried to make a very conscious effort to track my food and eat actual reasonable portions rather than eating til I felt sick. I probably should credit my psychiatrist as well, who has been very helpful and understanding to my binge eating. That helped me lose some weight at the beginning, but the real progress came from me getting an under-the-desk bike that I could use while at work all day (DeskCycle 2). Five days a week, I am peddling to my heart's content. I was seeing my general physician every three months at that point.
I went from 197 lbs in November of 2020 to 142 lbs in March of 2022.
I last saw my general physician in January and she told me to make an appointment in March for a follow up but she didn't realize her schedule was full and I would not have been able to make a follow up appointment until July 30th. Needless to say, I never made a follow up appointment. Without the "fear" or "desire to gain my physician's approval", I found my weight stagnating for the first time in a year. I knew I would plateau eventually but now I find that the scale is ticking upward and I am upset about it.
I am not upset enough to change my eating habits again, apparently. I am really struggling to remind myself that it is worth it to do better. I see old pictures of myself and I wonder how I got to that point, but then I remember that I gorge myself when I get home from work, completely undoing the days exercise. I obviously know what I need to do, but then I think "well it's been a while since I made homemade macaroni and cheese!" And I get crushed by the weight of my own gluttony.
All this week, I've been teetering between 143-144lbs and honestly it is so crushing. I know that's really a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things, but the moment I let my guard down, I could very well be back to 197.
I do still use my lil bike at work, and I'm actively using it for around 300 minutes a day during the work week, Mon-Fri. It's clearly my eating habits that are working against me. I don't know why my means of motivation are slipping. I see 144 on the scale and I'm sent on an emotional tailspin that only food can tame. It's a really destructive cycle.
My goal weight according to my doctor should be around 130 lbs. I have a vacation coming up and I've sworn to myself that I will be better once I return from it (end of next week).
I don't know if I can hold myself to it.
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