I topped my weight loss out at 81 lbs 3 years ago. I’ve bounced between extremely strong and just doing the cardio to get by. There’s a difference in overall “shape” when weight training is involved, it’s really neat to see...but I’ve been hurt and afraid to go back to the gym after being sized up and having another woman who was yoked roll her eyes and huff and puff while I was using a machine.
Anyways, I remember when these marks were red. They angrily tore across my flesh and I hated them. I lost my weight and spent the summer in gym clothes noticing how great my new body looked. I was happy. The next summer it was bathing suit time and that’s when it hit me. It was the scene from Click when the guy wakes up in the hospital room and wiggles what’s left of his stomach fat back and forth. I thought I’d be “pretty”, I’d have a flat and smooth stomach like my friends, that maybe someone else would find me more than a pretty face...
I cried and cried and then I got over it. I wore high waisted bottoms to the beach but cheeksters by the pool, I was happy, the sun felt good on my skin, and I was healthy.
The first time my first boyfriend laid his head on my stomach he said “squishy”. I shuffled uncomfortably into a different position.
My little brother at 8 and naive, asked me why I had cat scratches down my sides.
Freshman year of college, a boy removed my shirt and pants and then I told him I wasn’t ready. He told his friends “she’s got the body of an old lady. You don’t want her”. They snickered at me in the halls.
My roommate used to try and pinch her abs after dinner and called herself fat. She wore a 00. She was beautifully fit.
Then my mom started in with the tummy tuck and boob job talk.
When I’d workout hard I could here my thighs and stomach slapping around.
I used to do 500 sit-ups a night for a year. Still had loose skin.
I cried a lot. I starved myself hoping it’d go away like people were saying. I developed an freaking eating disorder and body dysmorphia over loose skin.
News flash:
-running doesn’t magically make your skin shrink. - drinking more water doesn’t either. - if you want to be a body builder, maybe that could help but for the average person? Nope.
You know what though? That was three years ago. I have broken my body many times since then and been through emotional pain and trauma. My body brought me here today and I love it for that. I might never be smooth and flat, scarless but I have struggled and I have overcome.
People get tattoos to remember, to express, and to remind. These silver streaks down my sides, thighs, and stomach are my tattoos. The remind me of who I was, let me remember what I pushed through, and express my desire to overcome any challenges.
I just started the Atkins diet this week. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually given a real effort to lose these last 15 lbs, everyone’s told me I’m healthy so there’s no point but there is to me. I’m feeling refreshed and I’ve been saving up as well in case I decide to get things removed- no more swinging, sagging, stomach when I do planks.
In the meantime though? I’m going to the beach, in my bikini, and I don’t care if my scars and loose skin offend you. If there’s one thing I’ve taken away from this- the only person’s happiness you can control is yours. Own your life, love yourself at every stage, and keep on keeping on.
23f 5’8” Sw: 250lbs CW:169 GW: 154
Check out my shiny silver stretch marks below.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2XMvI6K
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