Specifically, 1200cal of alcohol and pizza. I had a night out with friends, had six drinks and ate a third of a large pizza. Surprisingly the pizza was mostly while I was sober.
I’m getting back on track today. Despite being hungover, I plan to eat at least at my deficit, ideally 200cal less than normal over the next few days if possible to try and compensate. I’ll also be hitting the pool a bit more.
This is actually the second time I’ve eaten over maintenance in 7 weeks of dieting. The previous time was 200cal over, though; not great, but not a disaster. This feels a little bit like a disaster. If it had JUST been the pizza or the drinks, it would have been ok, but both is really derailing.
I’ve lost 12 pounds in these 7 weeks. I know that one bad night will not cause me to regain everything. I’m seeing water weight on the scale today because after 7 weeks of a mostly high protein low cal diet, I ate and drank a billion carbs. But even the water weight I’m seeing is nowhere close to where I started.
It’s kind of hard to fight my “fuck it” tendencies. Because on previous stints with calorie counting, something like last night would lead to a full on binge week. So I’m trying to be like, “OK, it’s fine, I fucked up and basically lost 2.5 days of diet gains, it doesn’t mean that I’m a disgusting pig and everything is hopeless.”
Ironically, the night before last I had a minor mental breakdown, because I sat on my boyfriend and he made a comment about “gravity increasing” when a really skinny friend of ours was right there, and I basically cried in bed that night because even though I’ve lost 12 pounds and I’m 175 now I’m still a fat pig. Then I proceeded to eat and drink in a way that turns me into a fat pig.
Like I’ve gone out drinking and had fun before and stayed at maintenance. The issue last night was the fucking junk food before drinking... even the one slice of pizza I had after drinking wouldn’t have been horrible, it was the other stuff and the fact that I didn’t “compensate” earlier in the day like I usually do.
I literally just wish that I had an ok body. Like not even my ultimate goal weight, just not overweight anymore. If I was 150 it would be a lot harder for me to get into this headspace. But no, I have 25 pounds left to lose where I can even be considered medically healthy let alone physically pleasing.
I honestly feel really fucking ashamed of myself right now. I hate that I did this. I can’t even say anything about having to eat at more of a deficit than normal to my boyfriend today because it will start a fight so I just have to begin another fucking day of saying “no thanks sweetie I don’t want the Mac & cheese, no thanks sweetie I don’t want the chips, no thanks sweetie I don’t want the beer, no thanks sweetie I don’t want the popcorn, oh wow sweetie you cooked a burger for me and SLATHERED it in mayo how sweet of you, now I can’t eat anything for the rest of the fucking day because of that, yes thank you I know I am a fat disgusting pig, love you.”
It’s so god damn hard to lose weight. I’ve lost 12 pounds and I have to stay on top of things every day, I have to calorie count every day and make the right choices every day. One night of bad choices set me back 2.5 days in terms of weight loss unless I try compensate by eating at a higher deficit than normal. I feel like nobody has even noticed the weight loss. I’ve noticed, I know I have some clothes that fit better and some small face gains and I’ve lost fat on my back and my stomach must be slimmer even though I don’t see it because some shirts that used to be tight in the stomach aren’t tight anymore. But I’ve gotten literally no positive feedback whatsoever. It’s just business as usual to my boyfriend and he’s the only one that really sees my naked body. All I get are veiled comments about weight that “totally aren’t what he meant,” but then when I try to lose weight somehow I’m still wrong.
I’m so god damn tired of it all. I literally just want to binge all day. The only reason why I’m not doing that is I’ve finally seen some small yet undeniable bit of results, I’ve seen the scale change and I know my body is just a little bit different and i want my old body back so desperately. I want to feel like a woman again so so badly. I’m so tired of feeling like a pig.
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