Obligatory 'I've always struggled with my weight, yo-yo dieted for years, etc'. I've had a very rough last two years, and I knew I had gained weight. I just didn't realize how MUCH I'd gained, because for the last few years I've pretty much stayed in and isolated myself socially, haven't bought new clothes, always wore the same 2 loose pair of sweatpants and baggy t-shirts to hide myself, etc.
Today I went jeans shopping. Was dreading it the whole damn time. I used to be a 12, sometimes a 14. Today I tried on some 16's and they wouldn't zip. Like, not even close. The mall was fucking crazy and I was sweating and feeling like shit, so I just hung it up and went home. I'll have to go back and try on a bigger size some other time, I guess. But yeah... I'm most likely an 18 or perhaps a 20 now. And that feels bad. Real bad. This is the biggest I have ever been in my life and I want out. Just staring at myself in the mirror and realizing I have let things get this bad was my final straw.
I know exactly how the weight gain happened, and I'm trying to tell myself that that's a good thing because that means I can fix it. The biggest new habit I picked up is binge drinking, mostly beer. Well - guess that's not going to work anymore if I want to wear jeans and feel comfortable in my body. I've also developed a habit of eating fast food many times per week. My financial and living situation have changed drastically in the past month or so, and so that will force me to save money by cooking at home I'm hoping. Severe depression has robbed me of my love for exercise, but I'm working on being more consistent with my antidepressants so that I can fight back against that, too. But I know that weight loss happens in the kitchen, and the gym is just an accessory that makes me feel more fit and better about myself.
Just feeling really, really bad about myself right now. Knowing that I need to make a change, but it's overwhelming and of course I have tried so many times in the past and failed. I don't want to live like this anymore, though. I don't want to care about beer and french fries more than my own health. Something's got to change. God damn. Size 20.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2KHLOcx
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