Let's talk being big and how I got here...

338lbs. 5'5". On my way to a weight loss journey... Again. Don't stop believing~

Okay guys, gals, and the pals who are also beautiful-- it's time to see how I went from young and skinny-ish to the point that I hate my body.

Plot twist: my body also hates me!!

About me: 31yo, 5'5" and full of rage. Get off my lawn.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

2007: A long time ago, I was 175 lbs and not perfect but beautiful.

• I was l prehypertension with asthma. I liked swimming, martial arts, hanging out with friends and being an overambitious little shithead.

• This year I was misdiagnosed with lymphoma (my lymph nodes were being whack) and that sort of thing can wreck a bitch emotionally. More on the lymph nodes later.

2009: I hit 190 lbs this year without even trying.

• I also got in a car wreck and broke my ankle.

• Aw yeah, shit's about to hit the fan.

2011: I hit 200 lbs...

• ... despite living on the third floor of an apartment and walking everywhere (because I was broke as hell and had no car).

2012-2014: Stayed around 200 lbs despite working out regularly and being food insecure.

• These were the emotional eating years because of family abuse, my parents divorced, I almost killed myself twice... I was in a psych hospital for a while.

• Started to put my life back together towards the beginning of 2015

2015: hi thanks for checking in I'm still a piece of garbage. I was 215 lbs this year.

• Still had no car. I was cycling about 6 miles each day to and from work.

• Started keto (because supposedly it worked). My weight didn't budge tho, so jot that down. Developed a slight aversion to food.

• Got into a major cycling accident and that sucked.

2016-2018: I gradually ballooned up to 300 lbs in this timeframe.

• diagnosed with PCOS, and got a depo provera shot.

• I regret all of my life decisions up to this point.

• Birth control and I didn't agree but they kinda helped keep the very painful cysts at bay.

• Cue more health problems, and painful periods plus cysts with more PCOS symptoms.

• Gyno told me at age 26 that I was "too young" for surgery to resolve my PCOS issues. Yeah, fuck that bitch.

• I tried intermittent fasting but that led to me worshipping the th!nspo boards and that obviously became a problem.

• Spent a LOT of time in therapy during these years.

2019: Discovered the magical powers of phentermine and topiramate! I dropped down from 300lbs to 245lbs.

• I got back together with an old flame. Things went well.

• Started seriously working on my body and working out. I was eating super clean.

• Whoops, there goes my gallbladder. What the hell?

• Whoops, here comes an incisional hernia repair surgery, too.

• Also, why are my lymph nodes being so weird?

2020: kept on the phentermine and topiramate. Dropped down to 225lbs!

• I got married. Life was getting better!

• Oh shit the phentermine and topiramate stopped working. Let's change up my depression medication to see if that might help-- oh hello random seizures.

• And then I had a 3cm cyst removed off of my right ovary. That didn't help with losing the weight.

• Oops, hello pandemic, we've stopped going outside.

• Oh hey on this year I was also diagnosed with lupus AND insulin resistance! That explains why my lymph nodes have always been dumb.

• Also, fml my A1C is borderline diabetic now.

2021: 338 lbs. Holy hell. Am I dying?

• Oh shit my PCOS is coming to give me a reckoning.

• Time to lose an ovary! That'll teach my shitty body a lesson!

• Spoiler alert: it did not.

• The weight kept coming and it didn't stop coming-- whoops there goes my back. Herniated disc between L5-S1. Fun!

AND THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS BIG

So now I'm just having one nonstop lupus flare with all of the inflammation. My joints hurt constantly.

My PCOS is trying to wreck my only remaining ovary. My herniated back makes movement very difficult and painful.

Privatized American healthcare can go fuck itself because I basically can't get more than one or two injections a year in my spine to relieve my pain. Seeing my doctor regularly is expensive.

So take into account all of this hot mess... Now imagine my frustration going into the doctor and being told "just lose weight and your problems will go away".

Y'all...

Future Goals

My husband and I want kiddos (no more than two... we'll be lucky if I can even have one). I've seen an endocrinologist and I'm not ovulating AND my body is in no condition to carry a kid right now, period.

Do I like to exercise? Not gonna lie, getting started is hard. But once those endorphins kick in? Yeah, it's good shit.

But I'm so overwhelmed right now with all of my health problems. I have to manage my nutrition carefully and basically eliminate all foods that bring me joy so that I don't become diabetic.

Y'all I just wanna be smaller, healthier and maybe have a baby.

And if nothing else, I want to be hot enough that I can feel comfortable wearing a bikini because right now I look 9 months pregnant with surgery scars and stretch marks all over.

I walked two miles today. I started back on the phentermine and topiramate (my doctor gave me the okay).

My back hurts like hell.

Help?!?!

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