I’ve been writing in here a lot. So, hi, or, sorry. Whatever applies, haha.
I’ve been doing really great. I mean, great! Something shifted in me a few weeks ago. My mindset completely shifted. I’ve been staying on track. Adding fitness. Excited about getting to my goals. Excited to add new aspects to my journey, like today, I went walking for the first time in a long time and even took some high impact climb areas.
I used to hate sweating. I want to learn to like it. I think I do a bit! I’ve worked out almost everyday this week. Tomorrow will be my rest day, which is making me a bit anxious, but I need to learn balance. I have never known balance in my life. 33 years of mostly imbalance.
I have 166 lbs left to lose. It doesn’t look that big to me anymore. It’s a lot of weight, but I feel ready and able to tackle it. I look in the mirror and I do not like the way I look. I never have. I’ve never loved my body, or had a nice body, but I tell myself that getting to my goal weight, even with extra skin HAS to be better than this. It has to be. And when I’m sad that I see I’m far from it, I look myself in the mirror and say in my head to myself, “the only way to not be this way is to keep going. You can’t stop. That’s the only way.” And I listen to myself. Idk. I think I’ve become friends with myself???? There’s this quote that used to really make me tear up: “and I said to my body. softly. ‘I want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath and replied, ‘I have been waiting my whole life for this.” I just feel it now for some reason. After years of chronic illness hell, I guess we became closer. I’ve always felt so detached from my own body. Like, disassociating completely. I was taught to hate my body and myself. But I don’t want that. All of the people who made me feel that way turned out, oddly enough, not to be such great people. I don’t want to be anything like them.
And I’ve been feeling good and strong and proud of myself. But then today, it’s hot as heck by me. Heat wave out of no where. And I am still in this very overweight body (311). No clothing looks too great on me, and I am especially insecure to wear anything that is appropriate for such hot weather. So I was angry and mad at myself and saying really mean things, which I didn’t even want to be doing. But I can’t help it. And I think I just have to accept that about myself and where I am right now. Right? Like, it is frustrating to finally implement things that make you healthy while you are still not that healthy.
Extreme highs and lows from it. Head not matching body. Body not matching head.
So on my walk I was listening to rap. Such good workout music. And I was suffering a bit. And I was like, I know you’re suffering and that’s why we are doing this. This is hard mode. You have been living in hard mode and the continuation of this brings easy mode.
So, whatever, just some venting thoughts.
If you’ve come this far, please drop great walking shoe recs. I have these Ryka sneakers I bought a year ago and they’re awful!! Rub against the back of my ankle. Too loose in the toes. Ugh. I was so angry. Hurt my arch.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/YaN8n3g
No comments:
Post a Comment