I've always struggled with obesity, for the entirety of my life. In 2019, I worked extensively to become healthier and lost a bunch of weight (not sure the exact number, I only have the weight I was a bit after starting intuitive eating and my current weight to go by). I worked out (cardio and strength) 5-6 days per week (exercise 3 days, rest 1, repeat) and wasn't tracking calories or macros, I was just making an effort to gravitate towards whole foods, not overeat, not binge, monitor intake of dairy and wheat products. Of course I lost weight because I was burning more than I was eating, that's science, but I wasn't actively calculating anything. I would say what I was doing at that time is the REAL intuitive eating, which I do stand behind (self-monitoring, self-discipline without micromanaging), but that's not what I'm referring to in this post, obviously.
I stopped doing cardio and strength exercises and stopped self-monitoring to manage my binge eating disorder. I read the book "The F*ck It Diet" by Caroline Dooner and believed every word (I was still new to weight loss and the science, despite having success dropping some weight). I'm going to say right now that if you like this book or the woman who wrote it, I'm sorry in advance; I'm not trying to be rude or be a bully, just writing about my frustrating experience. Basically, I believed that exercising 5-6x per week (for about an hour per day) was making me binge. And that I was binge eating because I was self-monitoring. So I stopped. I also started watching Stephanie Buttermore and how she was doing her "All In" thing and got inspired by that. I unfollowed almost every fitness/beauty influencer, I stopped being a vegetarian, I ate carbs carbs carbs (because "carbs aren't the enemy and we need to make peace with them"). My diet was flour and meat, mostly. And I truly, honestly thought I was getting better. I wasn't binge eating anymore because I was allowing myself to eat anything and everything I thought I wanted, in whatever quantity I desired. So instead of binge eating, I was simply over eating, all day every day. In my naive and weird mind (what was I thinking??), I was "healing" myself, but in reality, I was only getting sicker and weaker.
I won't sit here and say this whole intuitive eating trend doesn't work for ANYONE. But I will say, knowing what I know now, if you have struggled with obesity and/or binge eating, there is a very high chance that this "diet"/way of eating/lifestyle is NOT for you. Our stomach organs are stretched out, so without monitoring, we will overeat. Of course we crave sweets and carbs and things like that -- we are ADDICTED to it. Listening to that voice in your head that says "let me eat 4 slices of cake because that's how I FEEL" is self-sabotaging, addictive, and ultimately doesn't care about you, I promise. That's not your "authentic self" you're getting in touch with, it's your impulsivity and addiction. I'm not saying never eat sweets or cake, but MONITOR and CONTROL YOURSELF to lose weight. Instead of four slices of pizza, eat 1-2 max. Instead of cake every day for dessert, swap it out for greek yogurt or fruit 3-5 days of the week. It doesn't have to be super strict and crazy, just a bit of structure and self-monitoring for your overall health and wellbeing. Us overweight and BED peeps are highly likely to use intuitive eating as an excuse to compulsively and regularly overeat. Even when we use the "intuitive eating fullness scale", it's not accurate because our stomach organs are stretched, like I said before, leading to overeating anyway. What I needed to manage my binge eating in 2019 wasn't this intuitive eating BS, it was therapy and a visit to the nutritionist and doctor's office to find the root cause and solve it so that I could have successfully continued on my journey to a healthy BMI. Protip: Whenever someone says that monitoring yourself is "toxic diet culture", run. Literally.
Anyway. Fast forward to August 2022 (now). I can barely get out of bed without heaving myself, walking up the 15-20 stairs to my bedroom which aren't even that steep makes me out of breath, my double chin can be felt even as I type this. My skin has broken out in acne spots, my hair is greasy even when I wash it, and I can barely reach my toenails to clip them on my own. I feel like crap 24/7. I can't sleep well, I'm always exhausted and bloating, my stomach hurts, I have indigestion. I outgrew my clothes. I am embarrassed to leave the house and my self-esteem, which was never amazing to begin with even when I dropped weight in 2019, has hit the lowest it ever has been in my entire life, while my weight is at its highest.
Stepping on the scale (can't get myself to publicly announce that number, but I'll say that it starts with a 3--) was a huge wake up call for me. Somehow, even though I noticed my physical health declining, I was also in denial about it. "It's not that bad", "I'm not binge eating anymore so it works", and "I've probably only gained 20 lbs at most" became my daily comfort phrases to keep me from looking too close at and changing my behavior. I broke down, I cried, I felt betrayed by all the intuitive eating BS I'd bought into, but mostly by myself.
So now, this brings us to what I'm going to do about it -- and that is to go back to what I was doing before, when I was losing weight, because I was doing everything right back then except for going to therapy for my BED. I'll self-monitor, exercise regularly, and take care of my mental health. I hope to update as time goes on and show you all my progress, as I undo this nightmare I've gotten myself into.
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