I'm not sure why I'm posting this after lurking in this sub for years and years but I guess I just wanted to share my story. Life is also a little lonely these days. For context, I'm 30f, 5'7", was about 260lbs in the summer of 2022, am now at 219lbs and steadily losing at about 2lbs per week.
Like many of you, I have struggled with my weight ever since I can remember. I have PCOS and clinical depression which is of course a really efficient combo... I have always had a hard time losing and maintaining weight. I grew up with an "almond mom" who put little bells on the handles of our kitchen cabinets, would say "kitchen is closed" right after dinner, encourage me to drink water when I was hungry, offer rice cakes for dessert (ugh), and enrolled me in diets like weight watchers at the age of 13. She is a kind woman who loves me very much but has a severe history of mental illness herself and an intense history of eating disorders and I think she desperately wanted me to not fall down that same path. However, her methods fucked me up. I was never taught how to eat in regulation. Only healthy, bland foods were available to me growing up so whenever I had the opportunity, I would binge anything unhealthy. I remember actually being astounded and confused when I went to friends houses and they had things like little debbie snacks and 2% milk and their entire family was healthy... When I started living on my own, I literally didn't know how to eat healthy when any kind of food was now available to me. I didn't know how to stop when I was full. And of course the PCOS and my mental health did nothing to help. I gained about 30 pounds in undergrad and then steadily gained about 30 more since then.
However, a year and a half ago I made the decision to move across the country for a change of career/life. I met new friends and was pleasantly surprised to find a guy that I thought was the man I had been waiting 29 years for. Gosh I thought he was incredible and we became best friends instantly. I developed a pretty intense crush on him and I started to think "shit shit shit I gotta start looking better for this man if I'm ever going to stand a chance" and dropped a few pounds by not eating barely at all. (I do not recommend this method.) But a few months in to our friendship, he asked me out, and I was like "oh. wait. I can be loved at this weight?" The answer was apparently yes and with him, I became truly happy for what I felt was the first time in my life. Due to this newfound happiness, fulfillment, and a sense of confidence I started to build, I found that I was able to eat less and eat healthy with almost no issue. I could also treat myself without going overboard. I exercised by walking and riding my Peloton, and the weight started to slowly come off. Slowly and healthily! (Sidenote: I am not a person that can count calories. I have this thing with "streaks" where I get weirdly stressed out when I mess them up. So with things like calorie counting apps or diary trackers, I get really upset and beat myself up when I miss meals/days. Drives me nuts and I seriously cannot sustain it.)
Fast forward to now. I got broken up with very unexpectedly by my boyfriend a little over 2 months ago. This hit me HARD and has easily been, and continues to be, the most painful thing I have ever had to endure. The trajectory of my life has completely changed and I started to question everything. Consequently (or maybe luckily in a sick and twisted way?) I have learned a LOT about myself in this time. I have had to truly face my issues head on in order to survive this. I have finally sought out therapy and FINALLY made the decision to get on an antidepressant so that my happiness can come from within and not from somebody else. I knew very well that my brain was not going to get through this on its own. Shit don't work right. And, though I still cry multiple times a day and am overall consistently heartbroken, I am doing all the things you are supposed to do after a breakup. Look up any "how to get over a breakup" article and I am doing all those things. As a result, the discipline I have created is astonishing. My ability to get up and do something for myself has drastically improved and with that, my weight loss journey has taken off more than ever before. The medication and my drive to not let myself fade away after this traumatic event keeps me eating healthily without counting calories and I am able to easily stop when I'm full. I will admit, the antidepressant does act as a bit of an appetite suppressant which is definitely convenient. I eat a greek yogurt with my meds in the morning, a sandwich with some chips and pickles and an occasional mini coke for lunch, and something simple for dinner. I can cook and eat things like pasta without binging it. A dove chocolate or two satisfies my sweet tooth. I drink LOTS of water as well. I also exercise 5-6 times a week and I LOVE it. Almost nothing makes me feel better than a hard Peloton ride with Cody Rigsby or a walk outside while listening to moody sad music (lol). I have dropped 20 more pounds since the breakup and people are starting to notice and comment on it. I feel so comfortable in my clothes and I'm pulling out old items that I haven't been able to fit into for a long while. And the weird thing is, I don't feel like I'm pushing myself or that I'm uncomfortable or pissed off doing this. Every time I've tried to lose weight before I just feel defeated and angry. It never lasted because my attitude didn't allow anything to be sustainable. Now, am I walking around like a ball of sunshine? Hell no. I'm so pissed that this happened to me and that I'm alone again but I refuse to let this put me back to where I was before. I feel as if this is a now or never type of situation.
I'm not sure what the point was of sharing this, I don't want ANYONE to get broken up with and go through what I'm currently going through BUT. I just wanted to say that with a kick in the pants and some determination, getting healthy on the outside has done wonders for my mental health. Do I wish my ex would come back to me every day? Absolutely. But I don't contact him, I just keep pushing. Day by day. It SUCKS and I wish I didn't have to go through this but it happened and I'm doing it. I think the work I'm putting in will eventually manifest itself in a new and better me, inside and out.
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