I have a complicated relationship with food. I lost weight and maintained it for around 8 years. But what I didn't realize is that I was maintaining a weight that was too low for me. After going off birth control I realized that I wasn't actually having a period so I decided to gain some weight until my period came back. I got my period back and thought, great I'll maintain at this current size since it seems to be a healthy weight for me.
But instead it was like I opened the flood gates and any sort of portion control or self control was out the window. I struggled for a good year or two and then decided to try intuitive eating to try and get a better relationship with food. That did not really work. I followed the book and tried to be ok with any weight gain or change with the process. I was miserable and felt sick the whole time. So I decided to stop.
I then thought maybe I can go back to counting calories like I had done in the past. This seems to blow up in my face though. Even when I'm eating at my maintenance calories my anxieties and desire to just say fuck it go way up.
My other struggle with food is that I emotionally eat. I eat to release and relax my anxieties. I eat to relieve boredom and dissatisfaction with my life in general. Eating brings me comfort and security so I struggle to not want to reach for food.
My main question is how do I work on addressing these issues? My end goal is I would like to be able to work on weight loss without causing a revolt in my brain. I want to be able to eat in a way that is nourishing and kind to my body but where I also feel like I'm not just stuffing my emotions with food.
Does anyone have techniques or resources that could possibly help me? I'm open to books, workbooks, podcasts, professionals that are reasonably priced, programs, or anything else that might help. My health insurance won't cover a dietician unfortunately, but I think my issue is more mental so maybe they wouldn't be as helpful.
I'm currently seeing a therapist but I can only afford to see them once a month and I get embarrassed talking about this in person. I have forced myself to but it's moving at glacier pace right now.
TL;DR: Under eating for years, without realizing it released the food Cracken within me. Just ate without worrying about it for multiple years hoping to heal myself mentally. I have honestly been miserable the whole time and now I can't seem to eat at a deficit. Also picked up some emotional eating along the way. Looking for advice on how to proceed.
I really appreciate any advice or tips. If there is a better subreddit for this please let me know.
Thank you!
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