I’ve gradually gained about 50 pounds since I graduated high school 4 years ago. I put part of the blame on my birth control, but I know I had a big part in it as well. I’ve always been really insecure, but my insecurities get worse every single day it seems. Last month, when I stepped on the scale and it read 215, I knew something I had to change.
I’ve dieted on and off over the past few years but have always fallen off within a month. This time I am convinced that’s not going to happen. I’ve gone through a lot of major life changes lately, one being losing my dad, and I am trying my best to focus all of my energy on weight loss and being healthier instead of all of the negative things that have happened lately, because it was all eating me alive.
Anyway, I started CICO on March 30th. I didn’t get to weigh myself until a week later, and since then have juggled between the same few pounds. It’s been incredibly frustrating but I’ve done pretty well at staying motivated. I’ve been doing 1-2 beach body workouts everyday so I know my muscles are retaining water and I’m trying to believe that’s the reason the scale won’t budge. I’ve been pretty proud of myself for how strict and dedicated I’ve been...
Until just a few minutes ago when a friend sent me a photo of me from last weekend. It literally ruined my entire night. I went horseback riding with some people last weekend so the picture was of me riding a horse. I am completely and utterly disgusted by myself. I hate literally every single thing about myself ESPECIALLY my appearance. And I know that’s the whole reason I’ve been so dedicated to this... but I was just about to do tonight’s workout, and now all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry.
I ate a piece of cheesecake today because it was a co-workers birthday, the first anything CLOSE to a cheat meal I’ve had, and all I can think right now is how could I possibly eat anything like THAT when I look like THIS? Seeing that photo makes me want to hide in my house and never see another soul. I feel like all people see when they look at me is some sad, overweight girl. To be exact... I feel completely worthless.
I see many people preach about loving yourself as you are now or you won’t when you lose the weight. But I don’t think I’m capable of that. On one end, seeing that photo made me want to do an extra workout tonight... but on the other, it made me want to give up entirely because I can’t imagine ever not feeling like this. It doesn’t feel possible.
Anyway... sorry for all the whiny-ness and self deprecation. I thought maybe someone here might understand. I just know that I have a long way to go before I ever look in the mirror and (maybe) don’t hate myself. And it’s just so discouraging.
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