Content/trigger warning: sexual assault/domestic abuse/
I've never shared this with anyone but I'm feeling inspired by everyone's posts. This is my journey.
I am a 5ft 4"/163cm female and I have been overweight since I was 11. I have a long history binge eating disorder and a chronic neurological condition that causes extreme head pain. Exercise is often impossible for me due to my health so my results are from CICO and very minimal exercise. I also quit smoking, alcohol and started following a vegetarian diet.
I still have 61lbs until I reach my goal but I have actually started to enjoy the journey and thought I would share my experiences.
I've had years of being bullied for my weight and had an overly critical mother obsess over putting me on fad diets. I used to go to bed and wish every night that I would wake up skinny, just to know what it felt like to be pretty or normal and not a laughing stock. I honestly never believed I would attain it on my own. I kept self sabotaging any progress I did make and my urges to binge just came back stronger whenever I tried to restirct myself or my portion sizes. It took me a long time to realiaze how closely tied my emotions and eating habits were. Feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and fear ruled me and left me feeling powerless.
I hated myself and my lack of willpower and I couldn't bear to see myself in photos or the mirror. I nearly passed out in summer because I'd be wearing a cardigan at the beach, too afraid to show off my arms because the last time I did, a group of grown men made cow noises at me out of a speeding car window.
I tried every diet under the sun and made myself countless promises and told myself so many lies and excuses. I just set myself up to fail every single time by setting unrealistic expectations and goals and whenever there was an inevitable speed bump, I would binge and erase any progress I did make. It was a vicious cycle of self-loathing, apathy and guilt. I wanted a quick fix but I wasn't ready to mentally accept that I needed to put in consistent effort and work for it.
After developing a chronic neurological condition that made me lose a lot of my vision and left bedbound for a long time, the weight piled on.
I was also in a relationship with a man who gaslit me, cheated on me, abused me and took advantage of my low self-worth. He dumped me not long after my surgery. I'm just sad that I didn't have the strength to walk away sooner but I'm grateful for the lessons I learned about self-worth and respect.
A few years later, when I felt like I was recovering, I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted and my depression and anxiety hit an all time low. I honestly just shut off emotionally for a long time. I started to distance myself from people close to me and struggled to trust anyone.
Fast forward to 2018 and I am 276lbs, binge eating, smoking 20 a day, drinking excessivley and honestly just not respecting myself or my body. I became afraid to leave the house and ashamed whenever I did. I had a constant fear of being watched or touched by strangers and couldn't bear leaving by bed most days. Everything was so difficult and so overwhelming. I was killing myself and I felt so out of control.
I honestly felt like I'd reached my own rock bottom and I hated it. I had so much anger and hatred and so many negative emotions. I didn't like how it felt down there, so I just felt like I had nothing left to lose by trying but everything to gain.
I woke up one day and decided to quit smoking and drinking. The first 3 days were hard but the next 3 weeks were easier.
I downloaded an app to track my calories and set a daily target of 1200. I drank water, lots of herbal teas and occasionally coffee but no other sugary drinks or liquids unless I have a strong craving (in which case I'll eat an apple and drink water and if I still have the craving and I still have calories left, I'll allow myself a small bit of what I want).
I started making and enjoying soups and vegetable curries and porridge with fruit. I started walking instead of driving places when I could and tried yoga in the mornings. I bought some impedence scales to roughly measure my body fat and to keep a track of my progress.
At first I thought I'd run out of motivation like I always had before but then I started to notice my clothes fit a little better and I was losing fat around my jaw and neck. Tendons in my hands and feet were starting to show and the scale was moving faster than I thought it would. I had more energy and felt lighter on my feet.
I hit my first plateau a few months later which had me discouraged but I followed some advice on this subreddit to just keep tracking and low and behold, a few weeks later I dropped 6lbs.
After months of tracking the weight loss I can see where I hit those plateaus but if I stick with it and stay within my calorie limit, I ALWAYS lose the weight eventually.
I have been smiling more and checking myself out in the mirror. I am still not where I want to be but being able to shop in normal clothes shops for the first time in my adult life instead of plus size shops, is so exciting that I am starting to discover joy in places that I never thought possible.
It's not always easy. There are bad days. There are days where the scale wont move, or someone will make a rude comment that makes me want to cry or I am so hungry I can't stop thinking about food all day long. The difference now is that I don't get as bothered by the comments because I'm actually proud of myself for once. I can sleep better knowing at the very least I am trying. I'm not comparing myself to others. My journey is unique and at the end of the day, when I lie my my head down on my pillow, I can feel content in knowing that I am a little bit closer to the version of myself that I want to be.
Being overweight is so much a part of my identity that I don't know what or who I am without it and it's scary. I am realizing that change doesn't have to be a bad thing, and in fact it can be a great thing to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I never imagined that one day I would wake up and just make the decision to change my habits but that's what I did.
I never thought I would have the willpower to stick with it, but I have.
I stopped focusing on dieting and restricting myself and focused on nutrition and preparing visually appetizing healthy meals and snacks. I stopped automatically telling myself that I couldn't do things before I had even tried. When you feel so low about yourself it's easy to visualize all the ways you can fail, but I started to visualise where I want to be in 6 months time and I just made small daily changes that have added up over time.
My mental health is doing much better and I'm starting to redisover passions that I haven't explored since I was a child, as well as including some new ones because I can breathe and move around better.
The first step for me truly accepting this new journey was to forgive myself for what I had put my body through. You don't have to love everything about yourself to feel proud and the small sucesses are what keep you going when your motivation is fleeting. Set really small goals even if they seem silly and then pat yourself on the back when you reach them. Consistently making yourself feel a little bit proud, really does wonders for your mental health.
I used to think I wasn't a competitive person but I realised it was because I never saw myself as a competor and neither did society. Now I only compete against my past self and I am much more content with my progress. I try to just take one day at a time and plan meals in advance as much as possible.
I've never shared my story with anyone but I hope it can help anyone who's struggling with their weight, their self worth or their mental health. You are stronger than you think. You've got this.
Tl;dr: Lost 71lbs, managed binge eating and dropped 4 dress sizes. Mental health improved too.
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