...On deadlines.
This week, I used a couple of vacation days so I could spend the Fourth of July (U-S-A! U-S-A!) with family, away from the stress of my PhD, finances (read: grad student salary), medical issues, and yeah, weight loss. I've been pretty religious about <1400 per day since December, and successfully lost a little over 50 lbs in the last 7 months (progress pics when I hit my goal, I promise). I'm now a healthy-ish ~154 lbs at 5'9 (still got a whole lot of strength training and a fair bit of weight loss ahead of me). But this week, I didn't restrict. At all. My average calorie intake was a smidge under 3000 (including A LOT of guesstimates for deep fried turkey, ice cream cake, and wine), meaning I probably gained a little under two pounds in the last four days (according to my scale, about five pounds, but water weight is a cruel mistress).
The strange part? I feel fine. A month ago I would be in tears, thinking how I was a failure, how I had given up, how it was pointless, even trying to calculate the number of days I should try to skip eating to make up for it. But you know what? I like the way I look. It feels so crazy to read that, even now... but, for the first time, I find myself attractive. I was wearing a two-piece swimsuit today for the first time since junior high school and thought to myself, yeah, I look okay. My arms have flab, I have a tummy (sorry, that word makes me cringe too), and my jaw isn't half as defined as I want it to be. But I'm healthy. And I'm happy. And, okay, this one's a little weird, but I don't avoid looking at myself in car windows anymore. And the two pounds gained? (1) Totally worth getting to overindulge in fancy Portuguese wine and fresh bread with my fun/crazy/functionally alcoholic aunt (we've all got one) and (2) basically means an extra couple weeks of dieting. I've heard people on this sub say, thousands of times, that weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint, but I think this is the first time it's really set in for me.
Letting go for a weekend does not mean giving up. I am not defeated. I am perfectly normal (with maybe a smidge less willpower in resisting thin mints than I should have). Most importantly, I have the time and the patience (and even occasionally the determination) to work towards the healthy body and mind that will sustain me for the rest of my life. I will keep tracking calories. I will keep measuring my progress with my scale (mostly 'cause I don't own a tape measure). I will keep working towards the target I set for myself.
But I'm giving up on the semi-arbitrary deadline I chose on day one, back when I thought that dieting would be as easy as replacing added sugars with watermelon squares (kudos to those of you who can do it, but it's not me). If I don't weigh 134 lbs by October 16th, then that's what I'll weigh by November 16th. Or December 16th. I'm going to try to stop living for weight loss, and instead make weight loss (and later, weight maintenance) a part of my life. Am I still nervous that this setback will be hard to recover from? Absolutely. And maybe a part of me will always feel like weight gain is the beginning of the end of this horrible, terrific journey (God, I hope not). But if weight loss really is a marathon, then maybe it's time to pause and realize that a water or bathroom break at mile 12 doesn't mean throwing in the towel... and that when you say you just finished a marathon, nobody is going to care whether your final time was 4:24:00 or 5:28:00... they're all going to be quietly wondering whether they'd have the fortitude to carry on for 26 miles at all.
Even though today I'm the heaviest I've been in two weeks (not even Happyscale is bothering to cushion the blow), I'm proud of me. And I'm proud of all of you too (not least of all because you made it through this wall of text). Because for those of you who want to break the finish line ribbon that is this weight loss marathon (let me know if the metaphor is getting old), you're doing great! But for those of you gasping and sweating at mile 17, I'm right there with you, ready with a (zero calorie) sports drink and the confidence that the finish line is just around the corner.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/30iuLno
No comments:
Post a Comment