25-Female-Hispanic-About 5'4".
Brief Background:
Overweight for most if not all of my life. Family history of obesity/cardiac issues/thyroid issues/diabetes/basically everything. Grew up in a Hispanic family where every family reunion was an opportunity to let me know how fat I was. A lot of body dysmorphic type issues. I'm also a butch lesbian so I have some self-esteem issues having grown up being compared to my feminine, thin, and pretty younger sister. My mom was the chubbier one between her and her sister and to this day, in her 50's, she is still obsessed with her weight. My relationship with my body is modeled after what I have seen her do with hers.
More Detailed Background:
In January 2015, I was reviewing pictures from the previous holidays with my family and was incredibly unhappy with how HUGE I looked. I weighed myself and was shocked to see the number: 225lbs. I then began my official weight loss journey. I started with a weight loss clinic my mom had told me about. I did it for about a month and a half. I lost about 20 lbs but was rather unhappy with the program as it was mostly focused on appetite suppressants and things that made me feel weak and hungry rather than fit and strong. We are at about 205 lbs at this point.
I then began researching workout programs from home as I was embarrassed and self-conscious about going to the gym. I started with the P90 program offered by Beach Body. It was pretty awesome. I did my 90 days and got down to about 185-190. The difference between that and those holiday pictures was pretty great. I also dropped down shirt sizes from men's XL to men's medium-ish.
Now realizing my love for High Intensity Interval training, I decided to try out P90X3 which advertised itself as quick 30 minute workouts that gave you everything you needed. It was incredible. I had never felt so strong, fit, and capable. I dropped to 168 lbs. I could wear a men's small. I had never felt more proud of myself.
Then life happened. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in May 2015. I finished P90X3 in August of 2015, right when I started graduate school, living away from home for the first time, and serving at a chain restaurant. You can probably guess where this is going. Within the first year of grad school/working at a restaurant/living on my own I gained back about 20-30lbs. The last 10 pounds kept coming on and off for the next two or three years. I started and stopped working out a few times. Started and stopped diets. I could never really get myself going again.
I graduated with my Master's degree in December 2017. I got a job at a homeless shelter that had me working/playing with kids all day. I maintained the ~200 lbs basically from January 2016 to about March 2019.
I think things skyrocketed in the last few months. I started a job that seemed really exciting at first but then ended up absolutely killing my spirit. I quit without notice or another job lined up and questioned everything about my life and future. This was in May of this year. I don't know how much I weighed at the time but I'm going to guess somewhere around 205-210.
Today:
Now we are in July. I have a job offer but may not start until the end of this month, maybe beginning of next month. I have been sitting at home every day except for when I am able to convince myself to go to the gym or go on a walk with my dog.
I decided to weigh myself today. 220.4 lbs. I lost it. I cried and cried and cried and cried. How could I not have noticed? How could I have let it all come back? How did I sit around for the last two months and not have taken advantage of that time to lose weight?
I'm devastated. I don't know what I want from posting this. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I know I can fix this it just seems so much harder right now than ever before.
I'm going to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I am terrified of all the comments and looks I'm going to get. I'm sure someone will ask me what happened. I won't have an answer. I failed.
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