https://imgur.com/gallery/Ll8FXK7
I remember a Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents farm, more than fifteen years ago. The majority of the people at the table were overweight, obese and even morbidly obese; myself included. However, I was the only one at that table with a salad on my plate. As I struggled to hold a large salad dressing bottle in one hand and a spoon in the other, to measure out exactly two tablespoons, my grandfather laughed at me. The humiliation of that moment, in the middle of my pre-teen years, still burns my cheeks to this day. I remember suddenly losing my appetite and wanting to leave the table. Having to swallow the lump in my throat that almost brought tears to my eyes, I ate my salad. No amount of dressing could have masked the bitter taste of my reality in that moment.
Obesity has always been a part of my life. I was always tall, always overweight and constantly the target of unsolicited advice on how to lose that weight. By the time I was in fourth grade, I was 210lbs and a repeat patient at the Behavioral Modification program at my local pediatric hospital. I got the special salad tray in school. I wore the baggy clothes to hide myself. I did everything I could to disappear and all it did was make me a target for years to come. The same five pounds came and went. I struggled with forcing myself under the radar and yet aching to fit in and feel better. I felt powerless and drained of hope as a 5lb gain turned into 50lbs and eventually 150lbs and more.
Looking back now, I can recognize all of the things that lead me down such a depressing and self-destructive path. I can pin-point the toxic relationships, oppression and ill-fitting role models that had me stuck in a cycle of turning to food for comfort. Food was comfort. Food was a reward. Food was acceptance. Food was connection. Food was warmth in a cold world. Food was everything that the people in my life could not provide.
That all changed for me one night in July of 2011. I had finally had enough. I had known for years that this wasn't the lifestyle I wanted to live. I was stuck in a cycle that was bound to continue if I didn't take a stand right in that moment. I had just graduated high school and the world was waiting for me. Staying quiet was no longer an option and I had a choice to make; be a victim or be the victor.
I chose the latter. I chose to leave behind everything that I knew and pursue the life I had always wanted. At the time, I felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I was turning away from a life of being controlled, manipulated and constantly terrified of making the wrong move. I had no idea what I was going to do, I had no idea where I was going to go but I knew for certain nothing would ever change if I stayed.
The before and after pictures are always the most captivating part of a weight loss story. In one single image you see a transformation that took anywhere from six months to ten years of discipline and accountability to achieve. That picture is usually accompanied with a motivational quote or the diet and fitness program they followed to achieve those results. While I admire the hard work and dedication of every transformation photo out there, I feel a bit differently when I look at my own.
Seeing myself before my weight loss, I can see the sickness, the depression, the uncomfortable feeling of just being in my own skin. To everyone around me, I was the strong one, the quiet pillar in the family that had her head on straight and was going to make something of herself. In the years to come, I lost the weight, I lost friends, I've disconnected from the toxic relationships and shed the weight of expectation. I gained confidence, healthy connections and slowly pieced together my self-worth all while adapting to a healthier, active lifestyle.
While my transformation picture is impressive, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the changes I went through on this journey. From the physical to the metaphysical, I've undergone a complete transformation. I would suffice to say that the woman in my before photos no longer exists. The longest journey begins with a single step. For me, that first step was learning to get up from the table when love was no longer being served.
Don't be afraid to change.
Don't be afraid to eat alone.
Don't be afraid to embrace the best version of yourself; I assure you it will be like reconnecting with an old friend.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2lIO5ez
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