No one but my doctor and I know my actual weight. I haven't told my mom, or my brother, or my live-in girlfriend. I'm too afraid to. I don't know why I am, because i know they love me no matter what. I guess it's because I feel like i would be letting them down, especially my mom - who has had complications with diabetes for the last few years and would probably breakdown and cry knowing I weighed as much as I do. I want to be honest with them, but it's so difficult. I've been lurking on this subreddit for a while and decided maybe this is a good place to start. I've seen so many honest posts and supportive comments that I think maybe i can handle it here.
I'm 6'7'', 475 pounds.
There, I said it.
I have been fat my entire life. And like a lot of you, I was bullied for it. But when i read your stories I realize how priveleged I am in my adult life, because I'm the "big guy," not the "fat guy."
There's a cheat that comes with losing weight if you're male, tall, and athletic. You just kind of start playing sports and start lifting weights and everyone just leaves you alone. I can't ever say, at least in my adult life, that I've ever had people ridicule me for exercising in public. I can't even tell you the last time anyone ever concerned trolled me, or even brought up my weight in a public setting.
But, thinking about it late tonight, I realized that the reason I got this fat was because of that privelege; I can so easily deny what I know is a major health problem that I need to fix as I move into my late 30s. Allow me to explain: about a month ago, once summer break rolled around (I'm a teacher), I decided I was going to seriously hit the gym after 3 years of stress eating and not exercising. Despite 3 years of little physical activity, I can still bench press 385 and squat and deadlift well over 500. From a functional strength standpoint, given my weight, that means I'm severely out of shape. But that still make me the strongest guy at my gym by a hefty (no pun intended) margin. It also means I have a general amount of flexibility and range of motion that I know most other people at my weight do not have.
Sitting here now, I realize that this ability has left me with plenty of excuses.
I can sit at a restaurant and size up someone pretty well weight-wise. I can look at someone who I know weighs as much as me and play mental gymnastics in my head. At least I carry my weight better than that guy. Or I see another fat person at the gym struggling to do basic exercises, and I can say to myself "could be worse."
I hate myself for thinking this way because it's arrogant and elitist. I also hate thinking this way because I can use it to deny all I want that my weight isn't a problem, but in the small hours of the night (such as this one), I know i'm full of shit.
I can remember being 150-175 pounds lighter and being able to just run...run without stopping for miles. I remember being able to surf and run my fingertips through the water when I caught a wave. Those things, I know, are impossible for me at this current moment. Shit, I remember going to visit my brother when he was in grad school in Boston, and climbing all the stairs to Bunker Hill without stopping. Just a month ago, I climbed 4 flights of stairs to get to my seat at Sun Trust park, and I felt like my heart was about to leap from my chest. Most of all, I remember being able to eat and feel full and not have just this constant hunger that I can never satiate.
I get a free pass from society because of how I carry my weight and what I can do athletically. But it's not just that. I always make sure to never eat in public as much as I do in private. I try to limit the amount of times i feel physically vulnerable around other people because of my size and physical fitness for fear they WOULD say something to me. These are all things that an addict does. Because if I never say my weight out loud to anybody, and if I never look like I'm having a hard time doing normal things normal people do, then my weight isn't a problem.
I'm hoping this post helps. People of Reddit, how did you learn to be vulnerable and honest in not just your starting weight, but your weight loss goals? If you're a food addict (which I think I am), how did you learn to deal with it, or how did you seek treatment?
I've lurked here long enough. And I really want to be honest and open about my weight loss struggles. I'm here if you guys will have me.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2FTLV2N
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