Over the course of two years, I lost 40 lbs. I was so proud, guys. Even though the BMI scale said I was overweight (5'2" and 150 lbs), I was so happy with how I looked that I didn't care if I lost more. It would be NICE, but not necessary.
Then I hit a snag.
I hit a plateau, and my weight bounced around 5 lbs ish. Then I got an IUD.
In addition to getting it "installed" being one of the worst pains I have ever felt in my life, it marked the sharp uptick of my weight.
Over the next year, I gained back 20 lbs. This was with me working out 3x a week for 90 minutes each, living off of 1,150 Cal/day (my doctor actually told me to eat that little, and wanted me to add another day's workout, but I was working and going to school full time, and was too exhausted to do so).
I was the bitchy hungry girl, and I was even more angry that my clothes were getting tighter, even as I was doubling down on my diet and exercise.
I have had so many attempts to get back on the wagon since then. To renew my hope and excitement for weight loss, and to believe that I CAN lose the weight. But I've just gotten burned out on every level.
Ive since had my IUD removed (it never really stopped making me spot or giving me cramps), and I've gained another 17 lbs out of sheer anger at my body. ("You aren't gonna lose weight? FINE! Then I guess I'll just EAT THIS PIZZA!")
I've come a long ways with my binge eating—I almost never binge anymore, and I prefer healthy foods and exercise. But I have been having trouble buckling down and realizing that I have to start over.
I have to start over. From square one. It hurts so bad, guys, and I'm fucking pissed that I have to do it. I'm pissed, but more than that, I'm AFRAID that I'm going to gain it all back AGAIN. That all that work will just result in a few brief months of happiness.
I just started my first semester of grad school. I got into a fully-funded MFA program for creative writing on my first round of applications—many people apply multiple years before getting accepted, and even fewer get a fully-funded package. Statistically, it's harder to get into one of these programs than Harvard law school.
I'm more confident in my skills and abilities than I ever have been, but I can't shake this fear of and bitterness over the possibility of failing again. Of gaining it all back. I'm trying to start over, but it's such a long, uphill journey...and I'm just having trouble fully committing.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2GprdIF
No comments:
Post a Comment