My girlfriend has been struggling with her weight since she was 8 years old. She grew up in a family obsessed with diets and weight loss and has been monitoring her food intake ever since which then morphed into a daunting eating disorder.
We have known each other for years. She was relatively thin a few years ago (but never perceived herself as such) but following an abusive relationship, her weight fluctuated a lot. She first lost a lot of weight in just a few months following a dangerous diet where she would only eat a few fruits a day. That was obviously not sustainable and, as the relationship became more and more toxic, she started binge eating and gained a lot of weight.
She since broke up with her ex-partner and we got together 2 years ago. She’s in a much better place mentally and we both have a healthy relationship with food (we are not 100 % perfect but who is?) but she never managed to lose the weight and I feel that she has reached a breaking point and I don’t know how to help her.
As a quick aside, I have always been skinny and have been able to eat pretty much everything I wanted without any weight gain. My family is the same and weight management was never a topic we discussed or even thought about as a family.
My parent will come visit us by plane this summer and she told me that she’s terrified of meeting them and that she dreads eating with them by fear of being judged. My parents naturally eat small portions, and she feels that she needs to match their portions at all costs.
Shopping for clothes is a traumatic experience for her and she always breaks into tears multiple times in the fitting room. We shop at an inclusive retail chain but even then, it is a struggle for her to find clothing that fit AND please her.
She told me that it doesn’t even feel like her body anymore. She hides her body constantly and hates the clothes she must wear in order to do so.
She hates that in order to lose weight, she will need to live her life counting calories, restricting herself and toying the line with her eating disorder. It feels very unjust. And it’s not like she’s eating badly. Take out is once a week at most, she does not drink soda or junk food outside of that 1 take out and we cook balanced meals every day.
Since I’m skinny, she feels like she has to copy my food decisions because ‘she must not eat more than her skinny boyfriend.’ (Her words)
She’s a fierce feminist and advocate for the body neutrality movement, but it is still very hard for her. She’s aware of the irony, but she’s extremely frustrated by the situation and started talking about more harmful ways to lose the weight (diet pills for ex.) and using harsh metaphors (like fantasizing about chopping off the fat with a knife). I don’t believe she will harm herself (we talked about it at length, and we see a professional already) but it is a glimpse into her distress.
I’m coming to this subreddit in search of advice. The truth is that 1) having never struggled with weight loss and 2) being a man, I lack the tools and experience to truly relate and help her.
I told her that I found her beautiful as she is, that I’m proud to introducer her to my parents and participate financially when she buys new clothes to avoid her feeling overwhelmed.
I really want to help her, but I don’t know how to and feel powerless. Knowing she’s in tears every time she’s in the fitting room, or that meeting my parents will likely trigger some very dark thoughts, I can’t help but try searching for a solution. But I am also aware that there is no easy solution, and that this problem has roots so deep that I can’t solve it by myself. My attempts at helping only scratch the surface of the issue.
Girls of Reddit, what is the best way to help and support her without infantilizing her?
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