I've been crying for what feels like ages, staring at my naked self in the mirror. I have worked so freaking hard, and for what? For my body to look like a melted mess of skin, fat and stretch marks? For my stomach to sag with loose skin and left-over fat like a disgusting apron? For my boobs, which I used carry with pride, to deflate into flabby, empty, sad sacks of skin that I need to fold and roll into my bra? For my thighs and arms to turn into jiggly dough I can stretch with both hands? If I had known from the start this was to be my new body, I honestly would have rather stayed obese. This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I worked for. I feel betrayed.
Hi. If you've read this far into my little breakdown vent, let me tell you some background info about myself and my journey. I'm a 25-year-old, 163 cm (~5'3) woman, who at her heaviest weighed 102 kgs (224 lbs), which means back in the day I was very obese according to BMI. I started my weight loss journey in 2019, and as of today I have lost 37 kgs (81 lbs) in total. The first ~20 kgs (~44 lbs) I lost during my first year or so. After that I maintained, then gained some and lost some for over a year because of personal life changes, eating disorder recovery attempts, covid and on-and-off gym habits. During the summer of 2021 I picked up calorie counting again and have since then lost another 10 kgs (22 lbs). I now weigh 65 kgs (143 lbs) and for the first time since childhood, I am now sitting inside the normal BMI weight range (albeit, still on the high end of the range).
This journey hasn't been easy on my mental health and throughout it I have struggled a lot with my body image. (And developing EDNOS mid-way hasn't helped at all, but that's a story for another time. Let's just say calorie counting can do funny things to your brain...) But now my self-image has gotten so bad it's seriously affecting my every-day life. For example, I dread showering since it means I have to strip naked and see and feel my body.
I feel so tired. How am I supposed to feel at home in a body I despise this much? At this point I have zero self-esteem left. I can't even be intimate with my boyfriend anymore because I feel so insecure about my loose skin, boobs (or more like the lack of them) and my body in general. I feel like a monster. I honestly don't even want to go outside anymore. I dress in the same baggy clothes every single day in attempts to hiding my body from the world and myself.
I just... really thought losing weight would help me feel better about myself? Make me feel more confident and healthy and more... Content? It feels like it did the exact opposite, I hate my body now more than ever. A 25-year-old body isn't supposed look like this. I feel like a deformed monster.
The things is, I feel like I have done everything by the book; taking good care of my skin, drinking 3 liters of water a day, trying to eat a lot of protein, nutrient dense foods and healthy fats, taking vitamins and collagen, exercising and trying to build muscle, maintaining my weight for a while, losing weight slowly... What else is there to do? It's been three years since I started after all! I suppose I just got really unlucky with my genetics, and I just have to accept that this will be my body for the rest of my life? Of course, the last, and probably the only option, would be to get surgery. The problem is I wouldn't even be able to afford it for another 10+ years. So surgery isn't really an option, at least not in near future.
I feel trapped, depressed and defeated. I'm stuck in a constant state of being scared of gaining the weight back, but also being scared of continuing to lose weight (which would mean even more loose skin), and all at the same time feeling extremely unhappy and anxious in my current body. Every day feels like a struggle. I just don't know what to do. This isn't living anymore.
I'm sorry for the lengthy vent. All of this is probably way above Reddit's pay grade, but I just needed a place to get this out. Maybe someone out there can relate.
(PS. I do go to therapy, have been going for years, but unfortunately it hasn't really helped me with my body image issues.)
((PPS. First time posting, and I'm on mobile. I hope the formatting is alright and not super wonky))
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/oSwikCB
No comments:
Post a Comment