Hello Loseit. I lost 90 pounds in 6 months and then I lost another 41 in the following 6 months.
I am male, 6'0" and 138 pounds. When I was fat, I ate junk every day. Now it is the opposite: healthy, low carb only. I am hungry a lot and my whole day is spent basically thinking about food and my weight. It is rather exhausting. I take modafinil which helps but when it wears off at night I get so hungry. Sometimes I take benzodiazepines to offset it but I don't want a drug habit so I'm careful with it.
As you can see by the fast duration of my weight loss, I starved myself to lose weight. I ate about 500 calories a day during the first 6 months which was pretty dumb and probably related to the problems I'm having now.
I feel like I'm obsessed with food. I spend a long time looking at food that I can't eat, and preparing recipes with the few things that I can eat. I make my meals last a long time and chew every bit of food until it is mush. I get defensive when someone touches my food, even my partner. I don't let her cook for me because I like to know exactly what is in the food. She thinks something is wrong with me, and perhaps she is right.
The issue is that I can't just eat what I want, I will gain weight so fast. If I let go of the meticulous control that I have over every calorie I consume I will gain all the weight back and the new life I made for myself will be over. My fullness cues do not seem to exist. The one time I tried to relax I ate so much and gained 14lbs in a week. I then went to the doctor for help with binge eating and was put on a temporary course of appetite suppressants and I upped my dose of modafinil. I also had to work out a lot just to reverse ONE week of damage. I'm never doing that again.
I don't consider this an eating disorder because eating disorders are irrational and my behaviour is rational. I can't just eat and eat until I get fat, that isn't healthy either. I know some foods are unhealthy and I choose not to eat them, so it is not a disorder. I am also a healthy weight for my height.
I exercise a lot which allows me to eat a bit more food, but I make sure it always equals out at maintenance. I try to keep my muscle percentage high and body fat low.
The main thing that makes me sound insane is that I have resorted sometimes to pulling out my hair on my arms and legs and even cutting myself with a razor to distract from the intense hunger/rage that builds up in me. I know this is fucked, but it's not typical self harm. I can't explain exactly why I do it. The stimulants perhaps don't help here, I get jittery.
Has anyone else suffered with this? I'm so tired of this.
Edited to add: been maintaining 138-144 for last 3 months. I am 25
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/EI3xX5h
No comments:
Post a Comment