I’m prob gonna cry while writing this but fuck it idc.
June of 2022, I was at my highest weight for my height and I was overweight. I was about 148 pounds at 5’2 and at first I saw no issue with it until I realized, I gotta lose weight. I’ve been overweight my whole life. The doctors constantly telling younger me I’m a “bit too large for my age” and stuff but it’s just become a way of life for me, esp with me being African American, a lot of black people don’t believe in being “fat”. They just call it “well fed” or “thick”.
It became a long battle of dieting, restricting, binging, working my ass off but eventually, by the end of the year I was at 118 pounds. The lowest I’ve ever been in my older life. However, I still believed I was fat and wanted to lose some more weight. I was on eating disorder forums and sites that were aiding me in weight loss but little did I know, this would only fire my restrict on weekdays then binge on weekends habit. The weight gain started to creep up but because I could still fit into my jeans, I just said “eh it’s just food/water weight” or “I’ll restrict for real this week”. The weight steadily packing on, I just felt like I lost control and so, I kept eating. Up to 3K-4k calories constantly.
Fast forward to now. I’m now around 136 pounds. Still binging and restricting. My fat jawline is back, my thighs are heavy again and my waistline bulges out of all my jeans. I hate myself for letting this happen to me. I hate it. Summer is coming up and everyone is getting their successful weight loss but here I am, gaining. I just feel like there’s no hope anymore. I know I lost the weight once but now I feel like I just don’t know what to do anymore. And I feel like everyone notices my weight gain but just doesn’t say anything and this makes me scared to lose weight because what if they notice the rapid weight loss too? I just want out of the binging now. I just want to lose weight and be happy with my body. I know everyone binges, but that still doesn’t make it okay for me to binge. $100’s of dollars gone to diet foods and workout equipment, just for it to go to waste and for me to be crying over my weight again. I just feel like I’m meant to be overweight forever.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/RYd43kO
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