Just a short little vent/rant, I'm mad at myself lol.
Man, I know what to do, what to eat, what I shouldn't eat, and yet almost every damn day I find myself caving into my cravings, often using a half-assed excuse to try and make myself feel better, but it doesn't work. I am so addicted to sugar it drives me insane, I only feel good in the moment, but as soon as it's gone so is that sugar high, and then the guilt and gut ache sets in, and my face gets red and itchy every time I eat sugar too. I just want to open up my skull and pull out my brain and yell at it like the dumb lump of flesh it is.
I've lost 60 pounds, gone from 250 to 190, but every time I hit 190 I self sabotage and find myself bouncing between 190-195 for nearly a year now, I haven't seen under 190 since I was like 10. I want to see the numbers drop lower, I want to see my stomach shrink and the chub in my cheeks vanish, but I just can't stop eating the crap, and I can't stop with the crap excuses either. "I had a bad day, I'm tired, it's my birthday month, ect." Blah blah blah it's all bullshit, but I just don't know how to stop it.
It's not like it's all junk though, I'd say about 80% of the time I eat healthy, home made meals, but that 20% junk hits hard and hits heavy. I have a donut shop, a café, and multiple fast food joints and restaurants all within a 20 minute walk from my home, and the temptation is so strong even when my budget is so tight, I've spent nearly 200 on takeout already and I hate myself for it. It doesn't help that I'm currently extra exhausted lately as transit hasn't been running for about 3 weeks now with no signs of returning anytime soon, so I've added more walking to my day to save money on my rides to and from work, which have been killing both my knees and my wallet.
Just today I ate like shit, I had a stupid donut for breakfast, a large coffee from starbucks, a large plate of chinese food at the mall, an ice cream shake from baskins, and a scone from the donut place. I didn't even enjoy the shake, I was already so full from the chinese food, but for some dumb reason I spent 9 bucks on that damn shake that made me feel like crap. Why did I do that? I didn't need it, but I got it anyway, been beating myself up since.
I wish I had more self control, more will power, I just want to be healthy, I just want to stop being fat, I hate being fat so damn much, makes me look too much like my mother, I hate hate hate it. I want to look like the me I know I am, I'm tired of being compared to her. I will never, ever be her.
I wanna be happy with what I see in the mirror, I can't accept myself like this.
Rant/vent over.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/VjTagWs
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