I have also never been able to stick to a diet.
In 2018, I weighed 315lbs and I was an active alcoholic. As of today, I weigh 189lbs and I am ~19 months sober. That’s 126lbs of weight lost so far. I’m very happy with my progress so far - my goal is to eventually reach 140lbs as this is a healthy weight range for my height.
Again - let me reiterate - I have never been able to stick to a diet. I am an alcoholic and an emotional eater, and although I’ve put an immense amount of work into my recovery, I could still be described as being both of these things. I think I always will be!
It might seem really stupid for me say I’ve lost 126lbs and that I have always failed at diets - let me explain, I have been dieting for years. I have been trying to do CICO - and on a lot of days, I’ve been successful. There have been a few weeks at a time where I have managed to eat 1200 calories and go to the gym. There have been some days where I have listened to my hunger cues, I haven’t tracked my food, and I’ve eaten less than maintenance. I’ve cut out a LOT of alcohol calories for over 1.5 years now (and alcohol made me hungry and impulsive, so, this is probably the biggest factor.)
But, like… when I see all these people post their successes on this subreddit, I don’t relate to them. I’ve still been binge-eating this entire time. I do it less often, but it’s still inevitable. And I think it’s inevitable because when I work CICO I feel compelled to remove food groups which I can’t fit in. And when I do fit them in, they’re sad, low-calorie alternatives. They are unsatisfying.
Losing weight does not result in our relationship with food being fixed. Arguably, mine is worse than its ever been, because when I binge-eat now I am consistently in fear of ‘gaining it all back’. Gaining back is a real possibility - an uncomfortable truth - which I feel is ignored in this subreddit.
I do still binge eat. I hide food. I’m afraid of judgement from my boyfriend when I eat high-calorie foods near him. I’m concerned that he will think I’m no longer committed to weight loss. I’m still trying, still having good days, but then I have bad days, and I binge-eat myself to almost maintenance. I started the year at 194lbs and now I’m 189.6lbs. I feel like I should be back in the two-hundreds, to be completely honest.
I think I need to stop focusing on weight loss and begin focusing on fixing my relationship with food. I love preparing healthy and delicious meals, and I hate feeling afraid of eating them. I feel so powerless when I can’t stop myself from preparing and eating an entire frozen pizza and dessert in one sitting (~1500, probably, my goal for the day) and I feel sick and disgusting afterwards. It’s a binge-restrict cycle. It’s disordered eating. And it’s still here, 126lbs later. Even after all this loss, I still have never successfully succeeded at a ‘diet’. The only things which helped me were small and sustainable changes (sobriety, more veggies, a gym membership).
If you feel the same way, please check out the YouTuber Adam Wright Fitness. I have been watching all of his videos. They really speak to me - at first I was skeptical, but I think if I’d started following his advice a long time ago, I would have been able to improve my feelings and experiences with food an immeasurable amount. After all, it’s not really about the number on the scale, right? It’s about feeling happy and healthy in my body.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/geBhLlQ
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