I'm finally ready to do it

All my life I've had a sweet tooth. I've always loved sweets, and often indulged, sometimes binging (every few months I'd have six donuts for dinner, for example).

But I was young-ish, my metabolism was fast, and it was okay. I'm a 5'9"F and held steady at 150 lbs for years.

I've gone through periods of trying to give up sugar, and so long as sweets aren't in the house, I am okay, but I have one weakness:

I like my Earl Grey sweetened, and I drink several cups of it a day.

And I've always had a reason to allow myself that treat:

I was in grad school.

I was defending my dissertation.

I was job hunting.

I was moving.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

All reasons that I "deserved" this treat.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told not to lose weight because of radiation and possibly chemo. Then I had my ovaries removed because of a gene mutation, sending me into instant menopause. Then I decided to have autologous tissue reconstruction (DIEP flap, for those wondering), and my surgeon told me to gain as much weight as I could over a six month period to make the surgery easier. I ate anything and everything: donuts, chocolate, ice cream, cookies, sweetened cereal, you name it.

Then I had to job hunt again.

Then I moved again.

All through this, I've still gone back and forth with sugar, but ALWAYS having sugar in my tea (1 Splenda, 1 tablespoon of sugar in a 16 oz cup).

I tried to stop sugar for a month, but the first morning, when I realized I couldn't have sugar in my tea, I didn't even want to get out of bed.

For reference, I shot up speed for seven years and stopped cold turkey, but I can't do it with sugar.

I weigh more than I ever have: 5'9" F at 180 lbs. For many years I was 145-150. A lot of it is menopause and a much slower metabolism.

More of this is my disordered relationship with sugar.

I told my therapist this morning that I'm ready to finally tackle this.

I've never told anyone about my relationship with sugar, and how much mental work it is not to buy it, to look away at the grocery store, not to give in, but still justify my sweetened tea.

I know I can't go cold turkey, but I'm going to start slowly tapering down.

I'm not ready to put a timeframe on it, yet, but this is just one part of my beginning weight loss.

I just wanted to put this down and create some accountability, even if it is anonymous, since I've pretended for years that everything is fine - it's just a bit of a sweet tooth.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

And thanks to all of you for creating a supportive place.

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