Here I am on day 159 of CICO. I started on January 30th of this year. I'm honestly not sure of my true starting weight because I made the mistake of not weighing myself at first. In early April, I weighed 299 lbs, so if my weight loss trend reflects what I lost before I weighed myself, I likely weighed anywhere from 320-330. If we're going with the high number there, that means I've lost just under 70 pounds since the end of January.
I am immensely proud of this. I haven't weighed under 275 in my adult life. My eating habits are real changes. I no longer get urges to binge. Some days I have to remind myself to eat, otherwise I run out of energy. This has never happened to me. So much of my old personally revolved completely around food. It is no longer a dopamine hit from a drug, it is sustinence.
I am in a regular exercise routine. 30 minute elliptical sprints (I normally go fast as I can manage while still being able to breathe) followed by varying strength exercises (not so much to build muscle, just to increase my calories burned at rest from muscle recovery) 4-5 days a week. On my off days I will hit the punching bag for 30 minutes just because being sedentary on my off days makes me feel depressed and useless. I have a much better time breathing now. I get less headaches. I have more stamina than most of my thin friends who don't work out.
The problems that persist:
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Clothes look ridiculous on me. I'm in a weird between spot where all my 2x shirts look like dresses, but a lot of the 1x shirts are pretty tight and make me look like the Michelin man.
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I struggle with my identity lately. A big part of my social life was going out and getting food with my friends, eating and drinking stupid amounts. Now I can't do these things nearly as often. I don't hear from my friends nearly as much because they know I'm going to say no to it. It makes me feel like I'm the sick friend who isn't allowed to do normal things. I know I need to replace this with healthy social activities but it feels like all I do now is go to work, go to the gym and manage my life responsibilities. Sometimes it feels like the only thing to do in my neck of the woods is go to the bar if you feel like socializing and I don't have the time, calories, or money to do that.
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I still don't like the way I look. I know nobody can make me appreciate my body image but me, but I feel like no matter how much smaller I get, I'm still huge. I still feel absolutely unattractive. It makes it hard to be proud of the progress.
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I'm staring to get loose, excess skin and that's been one of my biggest fears going forward. I've been obese since childhood. I know the skin flaps are going to be there and I'm worried about how bad they will be.
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On top of everything, I still have 80+ pounds to go until I hit my goal weight. 100+ if I want to be what is technically considered a healthy weight for someone my height. After losing almost 70, this still seems like such a mountain to climb over.
In conclusion:
I know most of these problems deal with how I view myself and that's always been a struggle for me. There are good days and bad days but it's going to be a struggle to learn how to finally and truly love myself. I feel overall much better but I feel like the honeymoon phase of my weight loss is over. I have zero intentions of going back to my old ways. I was a whole different person compared to who I am now and I will never be that again. I guess my real problem is that I want to celebrate but don't feel like I deserve credit until I get to where I want to be. And I feel like that's so far away from here.
I wanted to post this honestly just to vent and get my thoughts out there. But I really hope this helps someone who might be in the same situation as myself. I want you to know you're not alone in these feelings and learning how to overcome isn't easy, but I am certain it is possible.
This ended up being super long, but if you read this I am thankful for you and I love you.
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