Motivation isn't gone.... just hiding. (Long. So long. It's a long post, guys.)

Hello all! I need a little push please. First up: 31F, SW 115kg (253lb) CW 89kg (196lb) GW 70-75kg (154-165lb)

Okay? Okay.

Last year I decided I needed to get on top of some debilitating PCOS side effects, but because of the PCOS it didn't matter what I did nothing would shift the weight. I was sent this link which gave me a hell of a lot of hope. I started keto, went for a 5km walk two-three times a week, and went hiking every Saturday morning. The weight practically melted away, I lost almost 30kg in six months. I was thrilled! And then my hair started falling out. I lost a lot of fat, and as a bonus, I lost about a third of my hair.

So I stopped. By October I had stopped strict keto, I stopped exercising, I just stopped. I was scared. My hair went from thick and beautiful to patchy and receeding. Not a great look on a 30 year old woman. I was doing very lazy keto, pretty much just eating low carb. The PCOS side effects came back... luckily not the painful ones, but the shit skin, the hairiness, the lack of period. It was devestating to my self esteem, I lost my hair and then I get all this too? Fantastic! ..... and then I gained back about 8kg.

It's now July, and enough is enough. I need to lose the weight, I look awful, I feel awful, I'm so unhappy. I had made so much progress and I feel like all motivation is gone to start up again, because I am so scared of the hair that's growing back to just fall out again.

I joined a gym with my boyfriend, I've started trying to eat lower carbs (terrified of keto + exercise again), but the fear is really holding me back. I know how well my body responds to low carbs and exercise, I function better, I'm happier, I'm pain free, yay! But my hair also falls out from the shock of the fast weight loss.

I am so self conscious that I cannot leave the cardio room in the gym, I am so intimidated by the weights/machines area that I can't walk in there. People look up, and I know they aren't looking at me, but I still am mortified by my mere presence being acknowledged with a glance that I just scuttle out and go hide on the treadmill or bike (which I actually enjoy, so those machines are fine). I really know that the weights and machines in there will be so so helpful to me, but I don't know what to do when I look at them, I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want to look like that fat moron who got lost.

Game plan is: I have a friend that wants to join the same gym as me, I'm thinking if we get a session or two with a personal trainer at the gym, they can show me/us how to use the machines and proper gym etiquette. I think that will stop me from feeling like a lost and confused idiot?

Bottom line is: how do I get past the shame of gaining the weight back, starting from zero again, and not feeling like a failure and embarrassment? I really really want to try, I want to get back to where I was... just with my hair intact lol.

submitted by /u/house-of-foccacia
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