"Not this time" "Never again"
I just want to vent, bear with me.
I personally feel like my persona died 2 times.
M/19/130kgs
When I was finishing my country's equivalent of high school I was a human wreck. I suffered from a nasty heart brake and my best friend stabbing me in the back (those 2 things correlate with each other, unfortunately). I didn't score the best on my finals, but well, I did FINE - got to the school I wanted. It was a long summer break for me, almost 4 months. But I was suffering from depression - all I could do was just lay in bed, watch some shows on my computer and not much more.
I always liked old PC games. Some of my favorite games are from before my times. During this summer break, I finally got around to playing System Shock games. To introduce those uninvolved - you play as a sole survivor on a space station/shuttle in space and everyone around you is dead, or worse. You find audio logs of them and relieve all the suffering they endured - some of them were experimented on by A.I, some were turned into cyborgs, some were just massacred and some were integrated into a hive mind (where they found happiness, according to them). In summary - it was a dark, brutal world. After I finished playing these 2 games I felt different. I felt numb for the first time in a long time. And by numb I mean good - I wasn't stressing about anything, I didn't feel the existential dread. I felt good, these games were cathartic for me. This is the first time my persona died.
M/20/130kgs
After that I lived 3 years of relative happiness - I was still heavy (I fluctuated between 130 kgs and 120 kgs, depending on my activity levels) but I found a nice circle of friends at uni and found my new passion - fencing, where I met even more fantastic people.
I still just dreaded being in a relationship. Watching movies with romantic subplots was hard for me, as it's always been. But at Uni at finally found someone, with whom I become close with. Not IN a relationship, but it was on its way.
Then we had a nasty fall-out. I take some of the blame, but what she did to me was unfair. She turned most of our mutual friends against me. I relapsed into depression.
It gave me motivation - I was going away for an internship and wouldn't see my Uni friends for almost 4 months. I decided that I will come back a changed man - body and soul. I tried losing weight many times before, but I always failed. This time I told myself - "Not this time". During these 4 months, I lost 22 kgs. I felt good. Weight loss was a driving force for me that I needed, I finally found a purpose in life. When I came back everyone was complementing me. And I'm not gonna lie - it felt hella good.
New year (2019) began, I was still motivated. I finally achieved my mental milestone - being below 100 kgs. I said to myself "Never again". Never again I want to be above 3 digits on the scale. I intended to do everything to not let that happen again.
But then I plateaued (around 98 kgs). I was collapsing deeper into depression. Some of it was related to my staggering weight loss, some of it on a broken heart (this was an important thing for me my entire life). On the weekend there were days when I only left a room to use the toilet. Again, I was a wreck.
One night I had a dream. In my mind, I call it THE dream. I was sitting on horseback, with spear and shield, around me a lot of other men, also armed up. Another rider came up to us and told us the order - attack from the south. He also assured us, that we will get no help, and we will probably be crushed by the enemy. Everyone hesitated until I rode forward (mind you I never rode a horse in my life, although I have some experience with historical combat). I heard others following me. I knew, that this is the day I die, but I felt... relief? Calm? When I woke up I knew, this is the second time my persona died.
M/23/95 kgs
I still crave the feelings I felt in that dream. But it gave me a new motivation - I no longer feel the existential dread. I hope to never again relapse. But I sorted myself out. Losing weight is not a race. I lost over 25% of my original body weight and am barely considered obese now. I turned my life around with it, buying myself at least a decade longer life. I feel complete - I am satisfied with my studies, I feel satisfied with my fencing performance. I still don't have a SO, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. If I ever find someone willing to join me in my life I'll be happy. If not then well, what can I do?
But still, those 2 mantras follow me every day - This time I will not fail in my weight loss, and I will never again allow myself to be obese, hindering my life.
Thanks, to all of you, for being a community for me. I don't post here often, but here I feel safe. And seeing you succeed fills me with motivation.
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