This might end up being a too long vent as much as a “me starting a weight loss journey!” post but I’d like to get my thoughts out, and maybe find others in my situation. I need to be held accountable and I need a change or else I’m destined for obesity.
The first time I felt fat was when I was on my swim team. I was bigger than the other girls but looking at pictures of 12 year old me, I wasn’t even close to fat. I just looked like a kid. I didn’t stop me from eventually trying to kill myself before a swim practise because I swore I could feel all of the other girls eyes on me in the change room and I felt disgusted with myself.
I used the first pay check I got when I was 14 to buy garcinia cambogia pills or whatever, they were all over the place online, and so I spent 80$ buying those and a jar of sodium bentonite clay. I would eat the pills that didn’t work and then put as much clay as I could stomach into me before I began to gag, then drink w bunch of water so it would keep me full all day. I didn’t think anything if this until I had to go to the hospital because my exrement became so hard I managed to tear myself... so I stopped that, but I still wanted to lose weight.
I started binge eating, but I was afraid to eat anything that didn’t look incredibly healthy around my friends and always compared my Lunches to theirs. I felt good when I saw they had cookies, while I had just brought strawberries. I went to a bowling party with them, ate 4 slices of pizza, then panicked, forced myself to vomit them up, and then left in a panic. After this I gave up on trying to diet and my weight stayed the same, but I have spent 3 years unhappy with myself and with absolutely no changes.
This year, I had a massive panic attack after being cyber bullied into a suicide attempt (I know, I know just block them, but I have anxiety and the feelings mounted and became overwhelming long after I deleted my Twitter) and losing my only coping mechanism for it. I lost 10 lbs because I couldn’t move for 4 days straight and couldn’t eat anything more than a few soda crackers without vomiting.
The sad this is I missed being so anxious I could hardly eat because feeling too anxious to eat made me feel, for a lack of a better word, delicate and in control. I miss not eating so much. I can’t explain how every day was a hell where I couldn’t move more than a few steps a day and I couldn’t clean myself and had no distraction from my constant panic but I was so, so happy that I wasn’t eating.
I haven’t been eating healthy for a long time. I will be starting my first year of university this fall, and once I get back from my trip to Tokyo, I need to start going to the gym again, I need to start putting food into my mouth that fuels me and not just eating a single pizza in the day and counting it because it was just 1000 calories.
I have dreams of being a model for my own clothing that I sew, and co-ords I put together. I want to start corset training, and join my universities cabaret club, I love singing, dancing, and performing but I haven’t acted in years because I feel so ashamed of how ugly I am I burst into tears even in just rehearsals with my friends around me. I have an hour glass body type but it’s hidden by 20 extra pounds and I feel like I’m ruining my youth because I hate working out and though I love cooking, I just don’t have the energy to take care of myself because I’m a depressed and anxious pile of crap with AVPD.
But I can’t let my mental illness get in the way of my happiness any more, and I can’t go down the path of harming myself to lose weight again. I’m going to Tokyo for two weeks and while I’m there I’m going to write out a schedule to follow for the months of July/August and the first month of university, September. I want to post the calendar once it’s done, and maybe it could help some others here.
If there’s anyone else in this sub who are facing similar problems it would mean the world to hear from you and to try and I would love to help you out. I have nobody IRL I can talk about with this.
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