TL;DR: Yesterday, I screwed up by bingeing on a ton of junk, just to cap off a really nasty holiday weekend. I'm not giving myself an option to improve today, I'm just doing it.
Warning - very stream of consciousness - I had some thoughts I had to release today.
I've suffered from some form of disordered eating since I was a freshman in high school - I've never been diagnosed with any disorder (mostly because I've never brought it to anyone's attention) but it doesn't take an $80,000 degree to realize that my relationship with food is unhealthy at best. That brings you to me - 30 years old, 5ft nothing, and 212 lbs at my heaviest.
After an eye opening, very upsetting talk with my SO at the beginning of June, I've decided to really kick the weight loss into gear, something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm a month in, switching to a WOE that could be keto-related if you squint, and I've lost 18lbs! I'm feeling great, feeling motivated, more energy than I've had in months! My ankles don't hurt, my knees don't hurt, and I can walk for more than a mile without my lower back freaking out. Life is relatively good! I haven't binged in over 4 weeks, even despite the treat meals I allow once a week - this is a whole lifestyle change, not a diet, so I'm trying to remind myself I'm allowed to have the delicious things I like, but I don't need them every day. And so far, so good! Things are working!
Then my little sister gets committed. She's early teens, ADHD, ODD, been with therapists for years, and generally she's a great kid! But two weeks ago marked her second suicide attempt in 8 months, and they had to admit her to a psychiatric facility for her own safety. She hates it, obviously, and I can hear it in her voice when she calls me during her ten minute phone time a day. I love that little girl, I practically raised her, and this is breaking my heart that it's gotten to this point with her. (I could write a whole novel on why her issues are triggering my issues, but I digress.)
Along with the rollercoaster that is Sis's psychological issues, I started my cycle this week; the cravings are real, and I'm an emotional wreck. So, I spend all weekend arguing with my brain about how - no, I don't need taco bell, I've got some preplanned meals in the Fridge. No, you don't need that ice cream, you've had a treat already this week, save it for next time. No, you don't need to get a meal at 3 different fast food places and eat them all, you're not starving to death and that's gross.
I succeed for a few days, but yesterday, I broke. I don't know how, or why, or why suddenly I wasn't listening to the good voice in my head. I had done very well all day: 16:8 IF, kept to my carb count, was going to end the day under my calorie count, it was great! But then it happened. It was like I completely lost control of my body, and nothing I told myself was going to stop me. So I went to 2 drive-thrus, and when I got home, managed to eat: 2 soft tacos, a cheesy gordita crunch, a mcdouble, a small fry, and a large pepsi, all in about 30 minutes. When I was done with that, I finished off the 3/4 pint of ice cream in the freezer. All in all it wasn't my worst binge (by orders of magnitude), but the worst part was knowing how much progress I've made, recognizing how good I feel knowing that I'm taking steps to look after my health, and losing anyway to the monster in my skull. I felt stuffed, overfull to the point of pain, disgusted with myself and so I did what my ill brain considers the next best thing - I "got rid" of the whole mess by purging. The guilt is real. The pain is real. MY SO doesn't understand what it's like to not feel in control like that - for him, it's as easy as "don't do the thing" and he doesn't do the thing.
I know I need to seek counseling, for the family stuff and the food stuff, but what they want to charge is ridiculous. I know I need to find ways to distract myself from the urge to binge, and I've been pretty successful all month, but this was ridiculous. Today needs to be better. Today MUST be better. I can't allow myself the option.
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