The summer after my weight loss didn't pan out exactly how I hoped it would.
I'm a 16 year old male, down to 160 from roughly 300. I got to my goal weight of 170 back in January and went down a little bit more from there.
Last fall and throughout the winter I began lifting, looking forward to summer where I could show off not amount of weight I had lost, but also just show off what would (ideally) be my attractive, muscular, not-at-all-fat body. Maybe I'd get a girlfriend, even.
So, the weight was lost, and my body certainly looked better. Sure, I have loose skin all over, and there's so much on my stomach that it looks wrinkled, but at least it doesn't look fat. My arms and shoulders definitely have some muscular definition.
But then there's my chest.
Everyone has their problem areas, right? I mean, I hated my stomach and my arms, but I don't think I can really describe the emotional pain my fat, ugly, feminine-looking chest caused me. It seemed to be the most stubborn part of my body. I noticed my stomach getting distinctly smaller, but my chest seemed to be making progress much more slowly. I always thought it would come last and I just had to keep losing weight.
But now, at 160lbs with a healthy BMI and a BF% that can't possibly be higher than 15, I'm still here with my disgusting, stubborn, ugly, and, worst of all, feminine chest. The top portion of it is firm and muscular, but down the bottom towards my nipples and it feels soft. If you pull on it, like any part of my body, it extends. Again, I have loose skin everywhere. The difference with my chest, however, is that it's just so incredibly bulky.
Normally when you're skinnyfat you can look good in clothing and hide your lack of definition. But my disgusting chest pushes through my shirt like a pair of tits. I even look at photos of other men on this subreddit sometimes who are fatter than I am, yet their chests don't even seem to stick out as much as mine do. Yeah, the top portion of my chest feels firm, but the bottom portion is so disgustingly soft. I'm not muscular enough to have a chest that sticks out because I have pecs.
Maybe it's all in my head. Everyone has problem areas that stick with them, right? They always think that their problem area is wrong, while no one else actually agrees.
Except, no. People do agree with me.
I was hanging out with some of my friends from school at a pool yesterday, and like I've been all summer when swimming, I was shirtless and anxious. I keep telling myself that I can actually be shirtless now in public, and that I'm muscular now, not fat. I have nothing to worry about.
Now, this group of friends tends to be kind of honest with themselves about how they look. One of them is very tall and skinny (actually underweight) while most of them are normal, another is kinda fat, and then there's me, the "'muscuslar" guy who lost the weight. If they make a comment about someone's body (particular the tall, skinny one) it's not an insult. It's just what they think.
So when the tall, skinny friend walked up to me and made the comment, "Your body is so weird. You're arms are really muscular, but you've got a little bit of chub right here [pointing to my chest] and then at your stomach you look like me," I knew he wasn't lying to hurt me. He was telling the truth. That's what he, and, consequently, others, think of me. It's what they think of the one part of my body that I can't hide behind my shirt because it bulges so much that it sticks out. My problem area isn't really a problem area as much as an actual problem.
I go between periods of loving and hating my body. Sometimes my chest sticks out because it's muscular, and sometimes it's because I'm fat and disgusting. It doesn't ever really change, but my perspective does. So I went home and obsessed over my body yet again. I felt my chest, pulled on it where you shouldn't be able to, desperately felt for firmness where there wasn't any, and hoped that maybe, just maybe, I was normal. I'm not. I don't know why my chest is so goddamn big. I'm not fat. I even have abs, for fuck's sake, but my chest sticks out through my shirt in an unflattering way. I hate this disgusting sack of skin, muscle, and fat that makes up each of my... Manboobs? Pecs? I don't know.
I hate myself.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2O39nBi
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