Just wanted to share some thoughts on my fitness journey over the last decade. Maybe some of you can relate.
Long rambles ahead…
For the longest time, I thought I was predisposed to a certain body type. At 5’7” and 185ish lbs I never felt obese, but I certainly wasn’t fit or happy either. It wasn’t until I moved from Phoenix to San Diego that I became inspired to lose weight. I got breast implants to address a long held insecurity and to finally be proportionate. I lost 35 lbs the hard way—counting calories and working out consistently. I ran my first half marathon. And a few more after that. I felt great! Sex was better, mood was better, everything was better. I felt like a woman instead of chubby, flat chested girl. But guess what? I found new things to dislike. I kinda missed my bigger booty (hadn’t found strength training yet) and thick thighs. I even felt self conscious about my chest!
That was nearly 10 years ago. I’ve never lost my love for fitness. I always picked it back up. But I wasn’t consistent. And I wanted to learn how to love myself at any size. I slowly stopped following fitness accounts on IG and started following people who preached self love/body positivity. I went to therapy. Last year I removed my toxic breast implants. It’s been a long road. I slowly gained all the weight back, horrified by each new milestone. I recently hit 193 on the scale. Enough.
So I’m back to basics. It’s really hard having been on both sides of the spectrum. But I finally realized that multiple things can be true.
You can love yourself while trying to change your body.
Intentional weight loss is not inherently fatphobic.
Health is everything. It’s also relative.
For the longest time I felt that intentional weight loss was a betrayal of my values. If we should love ourselves at any size, why did I care so much about 10 extra lbs? Or 20? Where was the line? Should there be a line?
It’s complicated y’all. Ultimately I realized I am not ok approaching 200 lbs. Is some of that internalized fatphobia? Sure. But I miss the confidence. I miss 10 mile runs. I miss showing up for myself in the gym after a hard day. I miss simple things I took for granted—more flexibility, easier breathing, better sleep.
I fucking hate counting calories but you know what? It works for me. It might not be sustainable. But neither is this lifestyle.
Multiple things can be true at once.
Edit: deleted my comment about fat folks being physically unwell and thin folks being mentally unwell. Words are hard. I’m just trying to say that body size alone is not the best indicator of health!
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