Throwaway cuz my bf has my main
So when we and this guy were dating I wasn't expecting anything serious to come out of it. He was way out of my league. I mean, he isn't very muscular, but he is quite lean, and definitely checked every box in the appearance department. Had many women after him and yet he asked me out for whatever reason. I was the funny fat friend. I only existed as a joke for people. I tried to make people laugh so I didn't have to be alone.
We met when I had just started trying to lose weight, at about 310 lbs and 4'11. I resembled the shape of a ball. He was a whole foot taller and maybe half my weight. We went to school and everywhere together. His friends didn't think I was worthy of him. He defended me. He also kept commenting that 'I was eating too little and probably just had a bad metabolism' as I was only getting about 1500 calories a day. He ate whatever he wanted, I'm talking a whole pizza for lunch, a tub of Ben and Jerry's for dessert and then a full course dinner. He played football and was very active unlike me.
After a few months together we graduated from high school and went to college and lived together. I reached 209 lbs. I would say that this is when things started to get really bad. I started to feel very self conscious. I felt like my loose skin was spilling everywhere. I felt hideous. I was fighting with my boyfriend each time he even spoke to another woman and then started searching for whatever silly argument to support the suspicions I had of him cheating. Which wasn't true at all. He was very calm. He let me blow out at him and didn't say a word. He said he would help me save up for a skin removal surgery when I reached my goal weight and always assured me that I would be beautiful in his eyes.
I started fighting with him about tempting me with bad foods. I'm refusing to have sex with the lights on. I didn't want to go on dinner dates because I didn't want to ruin my diet. It was consuming my mind. All I could think of is how I could eat as little as possible. I just wanted to be worthy of this man because I see women all over him all the time, and i felt it was only a matter of time until he left me for one of them.
We had a really huge fight where I ended up throwing away the sweets and chips he bought. He said he couldn't do it anymore and needed some time alone. He hasn't come home since last Wednesday. He is still replying to my calls but says he needs time.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess I could use some advice, some clarity. I know I'm an awful girlfriend, I just can't love myself until I'm perfect enough in my own eyes to never feel inferior in front of these women again.
As of today I am 190 lbs and my goal is 125 lbs after which I will get the loose skin surgery done.
How can I stop being so jealous that my boyfriend is able to eat so much and I can't. My tdee is low due to my height and being sedentary. I didn't eat a calorie over 1200 for years. I miss food.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/iymtB5O
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