Sorry im on mobile dont roast me. TW: talking about overeating and binging as well as calorie restriction and weight
Tdlr: Cronic overeating after successful dieting leading to weight gain. Unable to change mentality and would like some genuine advice on how to do this.
Ok a little background on me before we dive into my emotional rollercoast that is no way fit to be shared online but I am too stubborn and scared to see an ED specialist so I'm turning to you lot just to let off some steam...yah know? As of December 2020 I was aware of this problem but I want to get back down to my happy weight before then (incredibly stupid I know that's how my brain works).
Summer 2018 to autumn 2019 I lost 32lbs, pretty good if you ask me. Healthy, non restrictive (up until summer 2019) and all round simple. Summer 2019 I decided to cut out dairy making my diet more restrictive and the odd few binges on dairy food started (granted I've always had problems over eating since I was a child but these were the more stereotypical binges of hiding food, excessive overeating, guilt, the shabang). After this I started excessively restricting (1200 and under) where I went from being cautious around food to obsessive. Little did I know it could get worse.
After deciding to stop losing in November 2019 I maintained for a solid month up until Christmas...of course rolls eyes. This very restricted, very unhealthy person goes on holiday (pre covid) and binges every day. Comes back and has to content with an additional Christmas day and a lot more food orientated occasions. After that, going into the new year of 2020, my mindset was I'm not losing weight I don't want to restrict. But the binges kept coming, excuse after excuse flooding in as to why I should be eating an ungodly amount of food (note:still dairy free) in secret. So from January to March the binge-restrict cycle cancled itself out and I only gained 4lbs.
March through to August 2020? Oh boy oh boy. Stuck in the house, very emotional, constantly gaining weight despite "eating healthy" and "working out" (honey no we all know it was the 4 person portions, crisps, biscuits, chocolate, bread and literally anything I could put on it). We shoot up by 10lbs. Now this triggered me big time, like panic attacks because of it (ironically leading to binges), because I was back at the weight I promised myself I would never reach again.
So the determination to diet really kicked in, more than it was January-August. But again, I failed. I kept binging but the restriction (more severe than my previous weight loss because I had found this magically dangerous thing called intermittent fasting) cancled it out. Come September 2020 I was off to uni. The "diet" stopped because I wanted to get used to the new environment without being stressed or restricted. Binges reduced and i ate normally most days. I lost weight. Looking back its simply because I wasn't eating a metric tonne of bread (except one time I had a whole loaf of toast in one sitting but we won't talk about that). And boy was I happy. From October 2020 to November 2020 I lost 7lbs. HELL YEAH I was getting somewhere. Please note this wasn't healthy at all: flatmates used to comment about what i was eating and judging me for it so I often didn't eat at meal times and if I did eat it was breakfast at 7am or cookies in my room.
So because we now have a verrrryyyy restricted diet, coming back from uni I went crazy and binged on food almost every day leading up to Christmas. I told myself that after Christmas I would stop and get back to normal (normal for me is November 2019). I didn't, of course, this thing is basically a habit I can't break. I gained 7lbs in a month.
January 2021. New year right? My resolutions were simple "be happy in my body" aka lose the 14lbs you gained since January 2020 and "learn how to do a push up with correct form" simply because I want to.
Now this mentality I have from January up until now, February 2021, is as follows. I can't eat more than 1200. Eating more than 1200 means I won't be able to lose weight by X date (this date changes). Fuck, you ate 300 over. Binge. Fuck, so and so said a nasty comment. Binge. Fuck, you want to avoid doing work/confronting things. Binge. Fuck, you restricted too much yesterday and you're hungry but now you can't stop. Binge. I have gained 8lbs since January. I can't stop, I can't live a normal life, I am constantly adding up calories of daily, weekly, months totals. I am seeing my life through a calculator a calculator with stupidly and unessecaryily high numbers. A binge of 2000 calories last year would be devastating, now its a little blip and my reality on what I consider a binge is distorted and grossly extreme compared to then.
My overall conclusion from this is that it's deffinetly a problem. I have tried, really I have, it isn't about self control at this point. I know I need to change my mentality and I have tried it. Some weeks I say eat like a normal person, copy what someone else eats, eat like you did in January 2018, you need to focus on eating normally before losing weight. They work, for a day or two then I binge, the next day I binge as well because I try to restrict and it goes on and on until the next week. Honestly if you look at my days this sequence happens so often it is sickening. Monday good, Tuesday is depended, Wednesday bad, Thursday bad, Friday bad, then the weekend is variable. Now you've read my life story I have something to ask you. If you're like me, a binge eater, how the hell did you get over it? I'm sick of it, I have been for 7 months, I'm not at my real weight I don't feel like myself so I desperately want to get back to the normal me while tackling this issue but I know that that simply isn't possible but I cant let go of the idea that I am not me, I am the 19lbs overweight me.
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