This is probably a really dumb post, but I just feel…annoyed l, and like I need some advice, perspective maybe?? I don’t even know.
I’m not sure if I’m good looking. I’m about to be thirty three and I honestly roll my eyes as I write that because I’m old enough to know that questioning is pretty immature/an unworthy thought/a place of insecurity and shitty self esteem.
The issue is, I’ve been overweight most of my life. So when I was young, boys didn’t really have crushes on me. One once told me they did. Privately. It wasn’t until I was anorexic and bulimic that I got down to a very small size (5) and started to get a lot of sexual attention. I had a lot of boys that were friends, obviously BS because they didn’t stick around when I gained weight lol. I was often called “cute,” never really called hot or pretty or beautiful. Just cute. Sometimes sexy. I got a lot of attention that I really didn’t like. It was overwhelming and some of it was really inappropriate, like from male family members, horrifyingly enough.
Here I am at almost thirty three. I’ve missed a lot of dating because of a bad period in my life where I was chronically I’ll from undiagnosed autoimmune disease. Then the pandemic. But also since I’m overweight again, and obese, I haven’t really dated. Which is pretty much since I’m sixteen and started gaining after starving myself. I haven’t wanted to. I used it as a crutch. I was in a LTR from seventeen to twenty. But he wasn’t nice to me and I felt like maybe I was settling for a person like him because I was fat and insecure. So when I broke up with him I just stopped dating. I’d date when I lost my weight, was happier and healthier. That time never came.
There’s this guy at my local grocer that I think is really cute. He’s overweight, too, and just really good looking. Mask up, at least. And I just realized that his eyes look like Gavin Underwood’s. Lmao. A super hot actor. I feel like I’m always attracted to people who are way out of my league. And maybe that is another way for me to avoid dating. Because I know there’s no chance, I mean I’ve read that’s a thing. But I don’t know. Are they only out of my league because I’m so overweight? And then that makes me feel like shit about myself. Like my whole worth is in my body. I know attraction, physical, is really important. I wouldn’t be attracted to me the way I look now. It just feels like a vicious cycle. Where I feel like a slave to my disgusting body. My imperfect body. My ugly body.
Idk. Maybe this is just a vent, because it sounds so fcking stupid. But I guess I feel super deprived of intimacy lately. Like I’ve starved myself of it because I don’t think I deserve it in this body. And I’m just frustrated. Still working towards weight loss. Obviously really need to work on my self esteem.
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