Grieving for all the time I wasted being overweight

I lost over 70 pounds and the most recent thing I have been struggling with is that, the closer my body starts to resemble what it looked like the last time I was this size, when I was a teenager and thin, the more these very specific, awful, cringe-worthy memories from my twenties that I thought I had forgotten about and moved past come roaring back. I’m happily married, a mother, and feel like my mental health is right where it needs to be. Through trial and extreme pain and effort I brought little humans into this world and nurtured and cared for them in a way that has made me have trust and pride in myself for the first time in my life. I found a profession I enjoy and am good at. It’s been a transformative and wonderful decade. But when I look back at the deeply insecure person I was in my youth I get so profoundly sad. I was cutting vegetables for dinner last night and thinking about this not-that-great guy I made a fool of myself over back when I was twenty and all of a sudden I just started weeping all over the damned carrots. I’m just so remorseful of the time I lost and so humiliated by the lengths I used to go for a crumb of affection from people who barely, if at all, cared anything for me. My weight made me act so needy and so grateful for anything. I just want to go back in time and take the younger me by the shoulders and scream at her to stop. To eat healthily and exercise and put all that energy chasing unrequited love into her career or developing skills and talents. Maybe this is just part of the process when you lose weight? I just did not expect to feel such heady emotions. Weight loss is supposed to be all fun and dressing room selfies, right? I think sharing this is a form of therapy and sorry if it doesn’t contribute to the practical discussion of how to lose weight. How does a person cope with what gets stirred up when you finally do lose weight? Is it good that this is coming to the surface? Because—insanely— it feels so awful that I almost want to stop losing weight so I don’t have to deal with it.

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