(Preface: I've seen an M.D., R.D. and therapist! But none of these professionals can relate with me to the actual process of a great WL, for that I need yall. )
When I started my journey, my GW was as a 30y/o 5'9" woman was 155 (from 295 in June 2019). Over time new GW became 150...then 145. Recently I settled on being content to fluctuate between 145 and 150. I may never hit 145. I truly am so over it. And let me tell you, the last 10lbs have come off over MONTHS.
Today I clocked in at 147.5. The journey has NEVER been more difficult.My brain started freaking out from being at a calorie deficit since June of last year. So I recently started to reverse diet, since I have a history of binge eating. Some very disordered thoughts and habits are starting to bud that I am working to cease immediately.
That being said, now I've completely lost sense of what my TDEE is, how to eat without a scale, how to socialize again (eating out triggers a binge in me), HOW TO TRUST MYSELF around food. So I maintain a CICO, and while it's effectively working to get me to a normal calorie intake for my maintenance, the actual work that goes in to tracking and weighing and prepping is mentally exhausting. So I'm maintaining my weight, but there is no flexibility in my life.
I eat whole, nutritious food. I exercise 5 days a week. But the routine is rigid, strict and inflexible. I look great, I feel terrible. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. I know I'm slowly healing my body from an intense trauma of weight loss, and it will take time to bounce back. But I just wanted to reach out for advice on maintenance, post WL recovery, and to share some insight that the number will never be low enough.
I felt incredible 20 lbs heavier, not just physically but because I had a goal still. Now I feel empty, tired, and spiraling from going "Now what? I struggle...forever?" Aesthetically though, I look like I've always wanted to. And that is secretly the best part. I wont post a pic now, since it's just not the space.
The grief I feel at the moment after reaching my goals is encompassing the joy and pride I should feel in my accomplishment. I'm mourning the loss of my old spirit, and feeling that this whole "ending" has been very anticlimactic.
My question is this: How do we keep control of our maintenance weight, while letting go of the strict diet behavior and mentality? How do you allow yourself to celebrate your victories without the fear of backtracking?
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