Apologies for the long rant to start with. I just wanted to start with context.
I started going to the gym 4-5 nights per week at the beginning of October. I aimed for every night, but sometimes things would come up, or I just felt like resting. Was doing very well with limiting my calories, and eating healthier food. Stopped eating junk food, and munched on slightly healthier foods when I wanted to snack. Even cut out all sugary drinks except for my coffee. Can't drink it without at least 1 or 2 sugars. I did very well, losing just over 20lbs before Christmas. Starting weight was 232lb, and had gotten down to 209 before gyms closed because of COVID over the holidays on Dec 22nd. I told myself I would just go for walks instead since I couldn't go to the gym, but it got VERY cold for about 10 days around Christmas, averaging between -22°C and -38°C. Too cold to be outside, really. I also started my job on December 15th, in an office. On Christmas eve, I decided that I wouldn't track my holiday calories, as the high numbers (didn't overindulge too much, but definitely had a few treats here and there) would discourage me. Kinda thought, "Christmas calories don't count." After Christmas, of course, there were still many treats, (including a bug box of chocolates from my in-laws, which I thought was inappropriate, considering I shared how my weight loss was going every time we saw them) so I thought I would just start tracking again on January 1st. January 1st was still very cold, and I knew the gyms still wouldn't be open for at least a couple weeks. So my laziness continued. Even had a pop or an iced tea every once in a while. Junk food was also reintroduced, as my SO has a pretty shitty diet, and eats junk food regularly. The gyms reopened on January 20th, and I kept having bad days, where I told myself I would go to the gym that night, but by the time evening came, something would come up that would prevent me from going, or feeling ok enough to go. For example, one night I felt kind of bloated, and another night, I had tripped and kind of twisted my ankle a bit, so wanted to rest it. I want to get back into tracking my calories, increasing my water intake, and going to the gym on a (close to) nightly basis again. I'm honestly scared of stepping on the scale to find out how much I have gained. My sister invited me to join a weekend warrior challenge on Fitbit this morning to track who can get the most steps in this weekend with a few of her friends. I felt great about having a few other people to compete with. Until her friend added 10 more people to join in, who all work at a grocery store, so they get at average of 20,000 steps per day. I can be forgiving of myself for lazy days if there's a reason for it, (Today, I will be playing DnD for about 6-8 hours.) but competing against others in a challenge I have no chance in even being in the top 10 just discourages me from even trying, as I know it'll make me feel guilty for not doing more. I know starting is the hardest part, and it's a lot easier to keep going once I have started. I just feel like such a failure for having stopped at all.
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