I’ve been thin only one other time in my life, unless you count when I was a small child, then two. I had anorexia and bulimia, got down to 140ish lbs and a size six. Everyone treated me so differently. Sexually. Sometimes I hated it, sometimes I liked it.
After stopping the starvation eating disorders, I went straight into binging. They never prepare you for this in eating disorder circles. Everything about gaining weight is pushed away because they just want you to start eating again, but becoming so overweight has been both traumatizing and seemingly impossible to fix or cope with. Now I’m over 300lbs. SMO. Thirty three. A lot of my life has been wasted on my body and weight. But I’m already getting annoyed thinking about how people will act, or the comments, for when I get to my goal.
I know this is cart way before the horse, but it makes me angry that this is still an issue for me. Struggling with the thoughts of others. I’m losing weight for myself, but I literally was thinking way too far in the future, when I do post pictures with a smaller body, and how people will like that or praise that, and I thought: “are you happy I look more fuckable now??”
That’s what comments on my larger body began to translate for me. My uncle would comment on my body, or food. My POS father (who I really don’t even know) lashed out on me by telling me that I’m a disgusting obese pig because I told him—again—I didn’t want him to speak to me. It all always translates as, is my body not sexually attractive enough for you?? Because why tf are you commenting on my body???
This is so unhealthy. How do I start framing my weight loss and the way others will view it as not for them, or in resentment of their judgment either way? I feel this mentality has kept me overweight for as long as I’ve been. Because not losing is like a screw you to them. When obviously it’s a way bigger screw you to me to stay SMO.
I hope this makes sense.
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