Saturday, March 5, 2022

Confession: I messed up, I feel guilty/terrible, I need a restart but unsure how to restart properly

Hi everyone,

SORRY long post ahead. Just to provide background info but jumping into my main issue.

I am new to this sub. I have lurked here and there seeing all the success stories and it's inspiring seeing so many people accomplish their goals or are close to accomplishing.

About Me: Currently, I am a 30 year old Male, weighing about 220lbs and I am 5'6.5-5'7.

I used to be in shape for most of my life until senior year of college. I ballooned up to 205 lbs when I graduated and moved back home. I dropped 25 pounds back in 2014-2015 to get back in shape thanks to staying at home, using nutrisystem, and running on the treadmill everyday. When I graduated from grad school back in 2016, my weight slightly increased. But the past few years due to a stressful job, and issues my weight kept increasing. I am a stress eater at times and I typically pick the heavy meals to make sure I wouldn;t worry about being hungry. My body gets a bit panicky when I am hungry. Fast forward to late 2021, I came in at my highest of 230 pounds. I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea (OSA), part of it was due to genetics from my dad's side (he has it as well). I had sleep issues for a few years, always waking up early or having some form of heartburn. It was just in 2021 where I felt immense fatigue and decided to get to the bottom of it. Luckily the cpap has helped with that.

Anyways, I tried getting in shape with the peloton and trying to reach 10k steps with my fitbit, but my eating habits are bad. I always felt hungry after breakfast. My breakfast before this new journey consisted of eggs and a bagel. Other would be oatmeal or kashi cereal. Here's where my story begins.

After I turned 30, I reluctantly I tried this weight loss program from my doctor because I got annoyed/hurt my parents keep mentioning my weight issues and I needed to make a change. Myy doctor is known` for having this program to help you lose weight and lose weight under supervision. Typically I don't see my doctor often, but he always says I am healthy and did not feel the need to prescribe a blood test or anything. The program he runs is a calorie deficit program where you would eat 1,200 calories, low carb, focusing on meats and veggies. So I eliminated, bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, all the good comfort foods in life. He would give us phentermine to help suppress our appetite along with other supplements such as b-12, calcium-magnesium, fiber, etc to keep feeling full. They provided us with a scale to track your weight daily so when you go to your check ins, they have the data to see your trend.

I started the program early October of 2021. After the first week, taking half dose of the medication and following the diet, I lost 5 pounds. I started after having issues the second week. I felt really tired and had bad stomach pains early in the morning since I was eating little than I was used to. Those stomach pains would go away after I eat something. I mentioned this to my counselor in the program but she said to monitor and did not mention it to the doc. Over the next few weeks, my weight loss was slowing, I thought measured portion properly but I was not seeing results. Sometimes the weight would fluctuate up and down. The program made me feel pressured because you can lose 2-5 lbs every week and when I did my weekly check-ins the counselors would act disappointed if you did not lose at least 2lbs loss/week. I got nervous around them, my blood pressure was elevated, and heart rate was high in the doctor's office. (my vitals are normal when I am home, I check every day).

And so, I made a terrible decision. I started fibbing the numbers on my scale. I started showing I was losing weight at the pace they liked, but my pace was taking a long time. My weekly check-ins turned into weekly calls because I am working in tax season as an accountant and I can't find the time to spend 30 mins at the office. I fibbed the numbers so much that it showed I lost 38 pounds within 5 months when at most I only lost 10 pounds. I tried my best to lose weight at quicker pace (ie. eat more veggies in my meals), exercise, but nothing worked.

It came crashing down last night, when my parents asked me to weigh in front of them. When they saw the true number, they were disappointed upset I did not do anything before. Now that the cat is out of the bag, i need to tell my counselor the truth. I feel terrible for all of this and I know I am gonna get heat and deservedly so. I am sorry to all the people out there who trying to achieve their goals but I felt disrespected everyone in the process.

I need as fresh restart, but I am stuck back to square one and feel, embarrassed, and lost. I am not sure this current program is for me and my doctor is pretty apathetic saying he got good reviews, so it's a you problem. Any advice, insight, comments would be greatly appreciated.

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