Hi all. Not sure if I’m looking for advice here or just venting to get everything out in the open but I’m officially back on the ‘bandwagon’ today after being in a weight gain haze since last January.
At the beginning of 2021 I decided to change my life. After being obese my entire life I decided I’d had enough. In that year I managed to go from 280lbs to 154lbs through CICO and exercise, all in a very healthy way. I’d never been happier. I could walk into any shop and pick anything off the rack. I was as physically active as anyone I’d ever known, leaving the house at 6am on a daily basis and not coming back until 9pm after a day packed with a gym session, 15k steps, work, university, bike rides, etc. I decided to treat myself to a day off of CICO in mid december for my birthday. Well that day turned into a year and 4 months.
Since then I’ve gained back 108 of the 126lbs I’ve lost, spent thousands of pounds on takeaway and snacks, don’t fit into any of the clothes I bought after my weight loss and am depressed as fuck. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
My family and friends keep alluding to my weight gain and it makes me feel worse than I already do because the fact that people have recognised I’m ‘back to my old ways’ is unbelievably embarrassing.
I had a wake up call this morning after sitting in bed and pondering on whether I should eat the lemon tart I didn’t manage to last night and to start my ‘diet’ tomorrow. But I’ve been starting ‘tomorrow’ for over a year now. l’m sitting writing this from the gym where I’m starting from scratch, finding it difficult to lift weights I would have used for a warmup back in 2021, back coated in sweat from the 15 minute walk here.
I think its harder to lose the weight knowing the person you were mentally and physically when your life didn’t revolve around food. I find myself wanting to give up before I’ve started, throwing in the towel on my elevated heart rate and my time spent weighing every gram of food. But I know this is what I have to do to find the version of myself that I had a small glimpse of over 22 years full of binge eating and exercise avoidance, and I don’t want to lose him.
When I turn around at the end of the year, which will fly by, I want to be thankful I woke up on a random day in April and said ‘fuck this’ to living the same depression filled day as I have for the last year and a half. I guess this post is to convince myself I can do it all over again even if I’m only 2 steps from the starting line.
Good luck to you all.
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