I am sorry but I am going to go on a rant right now. I saw a post on here and it got me down a mental spiral. At my highest I was 370 pounds and I looked like shit. Despite being a big living donut I was invisible to everyone and treated like shit. Yeah some people were cool with me calling me big boss etc but I still didn't have any peers who thought of me as an equal. So I lost weight hoping I would become attractive. I know everyone definition of attractive is subjective but I really thought it would be in my favor.
Too me I still feel the same and look the same. Obviously when I look at old pictures of myself I look different but it feels like it doesn't. In a way I am very disappointed with how I look, I thought I was going to look good. Like a human but I just look like me and well that fucking sucks. I know some replies are gonna be like "oh confidence blah and therapy" but I am already going to therapy. Nothing is enough honestly. I am yo yoing it tbh. I hit my goal I never thought of and I am under 200. But what now? I am close to normal bmi but what then? I am having trouble with my goals and just why. I really wanted to have sex. Who am I? Am I not unique?
I know people are gonna say don't seek validation from sex. But to me I think it means more. Having sex without paying for it means a lot. Too me it means like "I see you as a human and I recognize you. So lets do this action we are programmed to do" even if the sex sucks and nothing cums out of it. Que the lonely island song "I just had sex" I dont know. I realize there are more fat people out there who get sex and it's all on me. I do have confidence issues but honestly it only really comes out when I am alone or my mind is pondering. I make people laugh and all of my co workers genuinely enjoy me, if I wanted to I could make random peoples day but I don't see the point (that's a different issue but I am just highlighting I can and have in the past) I really want to add this for more context but I am also a victim of cocsa. So I think for me to have sex it will be a part of moving forward.
I guess in the end of this rant I am disappointed with how I turned out physically with the weight loss. Thought it was gonna shape me to look good but I think I still look like a bitch. All this weight for me too look like a bitch lol. And the thing is bitches get fucked but I don't smh. and I know someone is gonna say sex isn't everything well I am pretty sure they get sex or they are a coping virgin. Sorry if it sounds mean but...
What should my goals be? There are certain things like I wanna go to an amusement park and ride a coaster again. But life is annoying and everything is against me, I am not in a place to have fun & arts n crafts.
ALSO ONE LAST NSFW THING: People told me my pp was gonna get bigger. Well it didn't and that's something I have to live with -_-
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/62lWQ9S
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