Progress: Realizing I want to lose weight because I don't want to die

Trigger warnings: Almost dying, EDs, SA

​

Hello friends,

I'm aware I probably should be posting in Day One, but I figured I'd share my story here and why I'm happy to have taken steps to start things the right way. Here's a long timeline of disaster.

1. I moved here from a Slavic country as a kid. My parents were poor and worked two jobs each. My meals consisted of putting fries and corn dogs in the oven to eat. I rarely ate vegetables and hadn't even tried most by the time I became an adult.
2. I was emotionally and physically abused, and eating junk became a coping mechanism. The worse I felt, the more I ate.
3. I was the first person in my family to go to college, and seeing so many fit people made me want to be like them, but I was unsure how. I became anorexic and addicted to working out and went from 350lbs to 140lbs in a very short time. I blacked out somewhat regularly. I was tired all the time. And yet, I was praised for losing the weight, no one questioning how I could lose that much in about a year. And during this time, I was SA'd.
4. I predominantly kept up anorexia and fell into binge eating occasionally. My mental health was shit. My emotional health was shit. I eventually crashed and regained everything and more. My body is a fucking disaster with loose skin and stretch marks from the yo-yo.
5. I tried crash diets a few times. Never worked. Calorie in-calorie out never seemed to work. I added exercise to it, and it helped very small amounts. I was hitting the gym regularly (every day) after grad school and even found a work out buddy who was in some of my classes. This went on for over a year, and I finally started to feel good.
6. Then I got in a horrible accident. My leg was shattered. I'm basically a metalwoman down there, and I've had complications. Bad doctors didn't think to check my back. Turns out that had been fractured as well and grew together weirdly, so now I have back pain as well (which sucked, as I actually enjoyed walking, and now, walking a mile hurts).
7. I gained back the weight I'd lost again and a bit more. This triggered my PCP to do some tests. Turns out, I have not one but two endocrine disorders which directly affect weight (and why calorie in, calorie out means I don't lose as much weight as I should, even when I'm honest).
8. I was in the ICU for COVID and almost died even though I am vaccinated. My lungs are still recovering. But fuck man, I don't want to die. And I know being overweight is part of why things got so bad.

​

Here's where I am now and why I'm proud.

1. I've been seeing a therapist since COVID started. My job is intense, and I stress eat. She's helped me deal with my anxiety a lot and has urged me to try different methods to curb my destructive coping mechanisms. It's worked. I find myself eating fewer times between meals. I still emotionally eat sometimes but not as badly
2. I coped with the knowledge that I have two diseases that will cause long-term issues with all aspects of my body, not just my weight. And I've been compliant with my endocrinologist for six months now.
3. I coped with the fact that my leg will never be normal again and finally went to go see specialists (outside of surgeons) and have been on medications for a while to ease some of the inflammation before I go to physical therapy. I've avoided doing this for two years now.
4. I have an appointment at a well-reviewed weight loss clinic this week. Not one of the kinds that practice pseudo-science. The kind where I have a consultation with a nutritionist and a physician who will prescribe me medications if appropriate.
5. I have decided that once my doctors and physical therapists sign off on it, I will dish out the somewhat large amount of money specialty personal training costs for someone with disabilities. A lot of exercises I used to do have been vetoed by my doctor, and I want to learn how.
6. I'm not hiding this from people. I'm not hiding from my husband or friends or family. This is not a shameful thing. This is me trying to get better.

So basically, I am in the correct mindset, and today, I am going to step on a scale for the first time in almost a year. And in a month, I will post progress here. This is on my reddit account. This is real accountability. I am sick of blaming shitty circumstances. I am taking back control. And unlike every other time I've ever tried to lose weight, I'm not doing it on a whim. I am six months out of almost dying, so it's not like a weird high I'm on. It's a thing that's been on my mind for a while--that I want to live a long life to be with my husband and any future kids. I am 31. I do not want to die.

So I'm starting today.

submitted by /u/Awesomocity0
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3fbUUh8