I didn't grow up fat. I was skinny or a normal weight until I was 17 or so. It was the late 00s, I got my own computer, smartphones were coming out, I stopped exercising and became sedentary. I was a nerdy kid and sucked at gym class and that took all the joy out of activity for me. Got to university and started comfort eating whatever and however much I wanted. Got on antidepressants and gained a good 40 lbs.
I spent my 20s not really caring that I was overweight. The pandemic hit, I started working from home, and like most people, that wasn't good for my eating or activity. Now I've hit my 30s and I'm thinking about mortality and I've started obsessing about my health. I've always had health anxiety. It was under control for a long time.
Anyway I went to my GP, he ran bloodwork and all was fine except for borderline cholesterol and slightly high ALT (liver enzyme). I had some fat on the liver noted when I had an ultrasound for a different reason 9 years ago (I also have PCOS, hooray) but nobody made a big deal about it and just said it was typical for my weight. Now I've spent a month absolutely freaking out over this, and it's pushed me into gear to get healthy. And it's working, I've lost 23 lbs since February. I'm not doing anything drastic, just watching how much I eat, cut out desserts and junk food other than once or twice a week, moving more, and added more fruit and veg.
But I'm dealing with these feelings of dread over the fact that I let myself get fat, and that I didn't deal with it years ago. I'm scared I've done too much damage to myself that can't be undone. I've been a picky eater all my life up until now and scared of what a lifetime of not very health eating has done, and even if I lose all this weight, can that be reversed?
I guess I'm thankful I caught it before developing diabetes or high blood pressure. My health anxiety is through the roof and I have no idea why I didn't focus on this earlier, knowing I worry about my health. I come from a family where a lot of my relatives are overweight and nobody really watches what they eat, but they've all largely avoided major health issues - my grandmother was a big woman and lived to 90 (though she did develop T2D in her 60s). So I guess I thought it didn't matter, when clearly it does. And that makes me worry that eventually the bottom will drop out beneath them, especially my dad.
I'm happy with the progress I'm making, but I also feel like I'm mourning my old self. I don't even crave sweets anymore (and actually enjoy my dinner salads!), but I miss being someone who just didn't think about it and ate three cookies at lunch and ice cream after dinner. I'm actually enjoying being more active, but hate that I have to think about it. I wish so much that I could go back to myself at 18 and just say, get on it now so you don't have to worry when you're older. When I go out and see skinny teens and 20-somethings I feel so angry at myself, and I was never really bothered by my weight before. It's not a looks thing for me, it's a "not having to worry about my health" thing. I'm scared I will feel this anxiety forever, or that if I snap out of it and stop worrying, I'll go back to my bad habits and gain it all back. (Of course all the articles about how nobody can sustain weight loss don't help.)
How do you get past these feelings? Any advice?
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