Coping With Weight Gain

I landed a great job. We moved to the city we both wanted to move to. I started off strong, waking up at 7 every day and going for a run. I was meditating. Not drinking alcohol. I rocked my new job for the first couple weeks. Then I had a beer after a good week of work. Then I stopped doing all those things from before, and I let the stress get to me. I exercised only occasionally. Stopped meditating. Started having beers at the end of the day to unwind. I gained some weight but nothing I hadn’t experienced before. My contract ended (my work was as an independent contractor so this end date was expected). It was a really stressful contract but I did it, and I did it pretty well. Winter hit and I was looking for a job. More stress as now we had to establish ourselves in our new city after 6 months of being here. I didn’t exercise hardly at all for about two months. Lots of beer and wine, and frequent Taco Bell deliveries almost nightly for at least a month. I knew I was gaining weight but thought it must have maybe been around 10 lbs heavier than the heaviest I’d ever been. I landed my long term job which was what we were stressed about for 6 months. I could barely breathe when I put on my slacks for the interview, and I couldn’t button my suit jacket all the way but I could pass as professional. Got the job and decided to aggressively lose weight. I ate at an aggressive calorie deficit and hit the elliptical almost every day for 8 weeks. I showed progress and thought I must have lost that 10 pounds, putting me at the heaviest I’d ever been but hey, not 10 pounds heavier than that! All this time I refused to get on the scale. Started watching what I ate and either hit my maintenance calorie level or below. Started picking up the elliptical a little more. A few months later around the one year mark of living in our new city and I decided to finally get batteries for the scale and step on it. Thought I must be back to a normal weight with about 20 pounds of weight loss to go before hitting my goal. I t thought I must have been around 190 pounds at 5’10”. Before I stepped on the scale that day I looked in the mirror and said, “No matter what weight you are, you are beautiful. I am so proud of you.” I was ready to see if I had 20-30 pounds left to hit my goal of 170 pounds. When I stepped on the scale it is no understatement to say I was stunned to see the number 219. If I had lost the ten pounds I was sure I’d lost, that means that at my heaviest, I was about 230 pounds last winter. 20 pounds heavier than I thought I’d reached, 30 pounds heavier than the heaviest I’d ever been, and after about ten pounds lost, still a full 50 pounds away from my goal weight. I’ve had a very hard time coping with seeing that number. I’m still holding out hope that the next scale I step on will reveal this one was off, but I know that’s probably wishful thinking. I know I’ll keep leaning into cardio and calorie counting and I’ll get there eventually. Just having a tough time coping with this weight gain, and the guilt of having turned away from those healthy habits last year. I will lose this weight, and my resolve is there. But I could use a pick me up/encouragement if anyone has the capacity to pass some along. Love, An Aspiring 5’10” 170 lb guy

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