Trying this again without links cause that’s a no-no I just found out.
Hi! I am new here but I felt compelled to share my story in case anyone is struggling with similar issues.
Trigger Warning: This post discusses sensitive topics including weight loss, eating disorders, suicide, and drugs.
I recently hit 80 pounds lost. I should be celebrating, but hitting this milestone two weeks post-surgery isn’t exactly what I had in mind. When I first started out, I gave myself a lofty goal of losing 100 pounds. Although I am still damn proud of where I’ve come from and am close to reaching it, it hasn’t been an easy journey.
I don’t want to paint the picture of weight loss being a be-all and end-all for loving yourself, because it isn’t. It is a constant journey of ups and downs that requires work to contradict every negative thing you’ve ever told yourself or lies that other people have told you that you’ve ingrained into your brain and made a reality. (And if you don’t want to lose weight, that’s okay too. You still deserve to love yourself fully. Every body is beautiful. I needed to lose weight for my health and it’s something I’ve personally wanted for myself for a long time.)
This is just a glimpse into what my journey has been like, which has been going on for most of my life. This was a little longer than I originally intended, so settle in, or thanks for reading up to this point.
I’ve been chubby since a little girl and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to lose weight. I think without being aware, food became a sort of comfort for me throughout childhood and early adolescence as I struggled with my parent’s divorce and my father’s alcoholism.
I would tell myself, “I will lose the weight by the time I’m 16.” Time passes and then it’s, “I’ll do better next time. By the time I’m 18, I’ll be in a bikini.” My 18th birthday hits and I am still not like the other girls. I’m not like my beautiful, popular twin sister. My belly hangs over my jeans, and I wonder what’s wrong with me and why no boys like me. Now it’s, “By the time I go to college.” And then I do hit my lowest weight in college but still nobody wants me. And I hate myself.
My first kiss is in the dirty living room of a frat house with a red-headed guy in my dorm whose name I can’t even remember. Then when I meet the first boy that does want me, I stay. I don’t see the red flags because someone finally loves me, so I cling to it because I know nothing better.
He tells me nobody else will ever love me, and I believe it because look at me. Then it’s eight years later. Covid hits, I’m 238 pounds, depressed, and on the verge of considering VSG or perhaps even killing myself.
I felt trapped, suffocating in the life that I had created for myself but that wasn’t serving me anymore. I moved to Florida in October 2021 and started untangling things that happened in my childhood and early twenties, confronting my fears and anxieties instead of running from them, and finding new ways to challenge myself. And when I stopped focusing on the weight, it started to drop for the first time in years.
I think going through a divorce and moving alone had a big effect on my weight loss. The environment in Florida compared to Virginia makes it easier to be outside all year long, and I would frequently take walks the first winter I moved down because I was in awe that it could be so warm in December.
Weight loss for me happened slowly on its own without me paying much attention, I stopped emotionally eating and drinking. I started smoking weed (medicinally with a prescription) to help with the depression. Eating more in moderation and moving more helped me lose 60 pounds the first year I moved down.
I still ate what I wanted, sometimes not enough because I truthfully wasn’t always in a good mental health space and did not have the appetite (whether or not I already had my gallstone that may have contributed to the nausea is unknown). That is where cannabis helped as well. The munchies are real.
But please, please make sure you eat enough to fuel your body. Although I tried to make sure I was always hitting 1,200 calories even when I didn’t feel like eating, I sometimes didn’t make it. I went from binging to not being able to eat enough. I’m still working towards healthy eating habits and my relationship with food as I regain my appetite after gallbladder surgery.
I began lifting weights in November 2022, which is finally what started helping me build up my self-confidence in a way that losing weight alone hasn’t provided. My body is becoming stronger, and I no longer care about how much weight I am losing but rather how much I can carry. (Lifting heavy is fun, you should try it. But with light weights first, because injuries are no joke.)
It’s been eight months, and I have lost 20 more pounds since I began working out. But the last five are mostly a side effect of recovering from having my gallbladder removed. On the plus side, having my gallbladder out has helped with my nausea but now it’s a guessing game of figuring out what I can eat and what I can’t.
What nobody tells you about losing weight is that even though you may feel better physically, the mental process of rebuilding your self-image and finding confidence in this new body that you sometimes don’t recognize is a much more challenging aspect. And sometimes you can’t do it alone. It’s okay to need help. I am now seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist to help me in ways I haven’t been able to help myself. As for the medicinal marijuana, it’s helped me immensely but is something I am working on cutting out of my life now that I am taking other medications for my mental health.
All this to say, trauma sometimes traps you in cycles without you being aware of it. I am still not completely out of the woods, although I can now see the sun shining where parts were once dark.
The rest is too long to put here but if you want to keep reading I have before and after photos on my blog linked to my profile.
I don’t have ads on my website and this doesn’t make me money. In fact I’ve spent money just building it. I created it to help anyone that cares to read. Best of luck on all your journeys, you got this. 💪🏻✨
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