I don't really know where to start, but I don't think I've ever felt so hopeless. I'm here, at 340lbs (f/38), and utterly lost. Long post ahead... Sorry.
I've been overweight my whole life. Grew up the oldest of 4 girls, single mother, we ate fairly well and couldn't afford take-outs, treat type foods but had them on occasion. Was always bigger than siblings and cousins, despite being a very active and fit child/teen.
I was constantly made aware of my size by family members, constantly put down for being chubbier. I was around 12 when an uncle told me to diet for his wedding. So I started restricting. I went out on my bike every day and rode for miles. I didn't really lean out. I had started developing and covered myself up in baggy clothing. But I then started doing something I never did before and that was binge eating. I would go to my uncles house (nextdoor) and steal money from his change pot and ride my bike to the shop and buy chocolate. I then had a difficult time with dealing with a significant childhood trauma that re-emerged and used food to cope. On the cycle went.
In my 20s I was fairly stable around 200-220lbs, I still binge ate and was technically obese, but I was active and was pretty outgoing. Things got worse in my 30s and the starve/binge cycle became more severe. I got to 365lbs during the pandemic.
I have done CICO, CICO with exercise, slimming world, weight watchers, juicing, vlcd, fasting, IF, keto, low calorie keto... The only time I've ever had consistent weight loss has been vlcd or low cal keto. Nothing else produced sustained losses. I would always feel like I was fighting for every ounce and my body was clinging onto it. When I commit to a plan, I'm all in. So when losses don't represent what I put in, I find it difficult to keep focus. I compare losses to others and it feels utterly hopeless. Unless I take drastic measures, I just can't seem to shift it. But drastic measures are so difficult to sustain.
I'm very frustrated when I hear "just eat less and move more", "it's simple". When it's anything but. It feels like I'm working against my body, every cell screams out that I need food when I'm eating less or exercising. I have bombarding and intrusive thoughts instead of "cravings". I also don't want to take 10 years so get this weight off.
This week, I reached breaking point after another 6 months of trying, and no progress. I've finally decided to speak to my doctor, who I've avoided for years because of the shame of my weight. I have looked into bariatric surgery and therapy, I'm saving up to fund it, but I would like to try and overcome this without needing to take that step.
I don't know what I'm hoping for, posting this. But if anyone has been in my position and has been able to change their situation, please let share with me.
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