Hi all,
This is going to be a dark and long post. I appreciate ya'll reading, but please take care of yourselves if it's bringing YOU down. That's the last thing I want. Also, I swear in it. Sorry!
I have been on this weight loss journey for almost 6 years now. Only time I've been a healthy weight was when I was early elementary school age. I have been overweight/morbidly obese since then (around puberty). I don't really know what it is like to be healthy and free from being weighed down like this.
I am a female, average height, and started around 340lbs. Through lots of hard work, some unhealthy restricting, and some healthy habits, I got down to 215. At that point, losing weight was exciting. I couldn't wait to see what size I could get into. Everyone around me was noticing. I felt amazing, and it felt EASY most of the time. Eating 1200 - 1500 cal was EASY. I had a 1,000+ day tracking streak on MFP. "Just don't eat so much, move more, and make healthier choices!! :)" I really did like who I was, and who I was becoming. I felt like my own friend.
However, even before the pandemic hit, in 2018-2019 I started to really struggle. I started to go up from 215. I struggled from 225-240 for over a year. I would gain then lose, then gain and lose, and so on. Then of course this wonderful thing that COVID is hit and impacted EVERYTHING even more-so. These big life plans I had got smushed (i.e school, moving to another country, etc) and I believe I used that as an excuse to finally have the wind knocked out of my sails (that didn't even have much left to begin with.) I had decided to finally go on a depression medication near the end of 2019 after much reluctance.
I am now up to 265 and I feel like I am fighting tooth and nail for my health, but I just want to give up. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I get momentum and quell my binge eating for a few weeks, start feeling pretty decent, and then the scale goes up. I am in such a fragile state that I am feeling like I can't keep going like that. I can't keep going, giving it my all, exercising and taking care of myself, just to see NOTHING. That was never the case a few years ago. I don't have that much in me. Lately I've just been feeling like what is even the point?
I am in therapy. I have been put on Contrave (off now), and now I am on Vyvanse... but I don't even know what to do anymore. If I give up, I will just keep gaining and my weight will be over 300lb in no time again. If I keep fighting, I will continue to feel hopeless and like I can't beat this. I can't even get back down to 240, how am I supposed to get anywhere near 140 or any other healthy weight for me? If I am struggling so much (most days) to eat under 3500 calories, 3000 calories, or even 2500 calories... how am I supposed to do 1800 to maintain one day?
This is honestly such a depressing post, and I am crying as I type this. I know I am not alone in this, but I am so tired of being told to keep going. I am not stupid. I know how to count calories, I know how to move my body, I know about water weight, macros - micro nutrients, etc. I have been in this deep dive to becoming a healthy person for years, and years. I've even hired weight loss coaches and participated in their programs, etc, etc. The amount of money and energy I've spent on becoming a healthy person is maddening. I mean, fuck, I was able to lose about 125lbs... so.... why am I so weak these past few years? Why can't I even lose 10lbs now? I think I'd cry with joy if I could do that.
I am starting to think and feel like I am destined to be obese/overweight for the rest of my life, just like my parents and siblings. At this point, I feel like my only option is to get weight loss surgery or to be put into an inpatient program (which honestly is not a good option during COVID.)
I know I would feel so much better if that scale would just move down.... However, even when my FitBit is telling me I am burning 4500+ cals (avg of 3400 a day, I'm a frontline busy mf worker, and workout via cardio outside of work) and I know I am eating roughly 2000-2500 cals when I am "doing better", the scale actually goes up a few pounds??? I just throw my hands up. I am so impatient because it NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THIS. My body just feels fucked. I feel so fucked. Something is not adding up and it is frustrating beyond belief.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I guess I am hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel, or some advice from someone who has been where I am. My doctor has now referred me to an obesity specialist, on top of EVERYTHING else I've tried, so I know I am not "really" giving up, but in many ways I am. I am mentally exhausted with this. I am just so tired of having my organs and bones suffocated by all this disgusting fat. I hate it. I hate it so much. I just need to close my fucking mouth.
This is me, casting my line, hoping there is some wisdom out there from someone to take the edge off of this.
I hope you are doing well on the other side of this screen. I wish I could give you a really wholesome elbow-bump. Take care, and may your weekend be wonderful. My apologizes for the mini novel of hopelessness. 🌹 I do try to be an optimist in life, but man if this shit don't fucking suck.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3jqZ2te
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