M/19/5’8 CW: 156lbs
So I’ve been doing a lot of reflection after getting off of my meds as I’ve had to in order to stay afloat. I realized one of my core beliefs that was instilled into me from a young age is that attractive people are better.
I was treated like crap growing up for my weight. I was bullied picked on and borderline treated sub juman simply because I didn’t look like everyone else. I can’t even look at pictures of when I was young because I get so angry and disgusted by the person I see. I learned to put a wall up with people and shield my emotions to protect me. I later worked on my personality so that people would want to actually get to know me…and it worked.
In junior high and high school was the worst though. It was now that I had become invisible sexually. No one wanted me besides a friendship add the fact that I’m gay and it just lessened my chance of getting a boyfriend or even talking to a guy.
To this day I only know of one openly gay guy in my high school that was attractive enough to hook up with the closeted guys.
Anyways now I’ve lost the weight and while I do certainly get more attention from both men and women I’m so insecure in my body and my ability to actually attain anything past friendship that I’m stuck. The loose skin I got after weight loss has given me some very traumatic body dsymorphia to the point where I won’t leave the house or I’ll call off of work just to avoid being seen.
I just want my skin removed so I can start the process of healing my body and mind. Cuz I’ve tried with the body I currently have and it almost landed me in a psych word.
The last point I guess is. I wish the I had lost weight earlier or that I never was fat that way I could not have to deal with the mental repercussions of being overweight.
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