TW: eating disorders
Hi. This post is definitely a rant and there are things in it that are above reddits paygrade. So read if you want, I'm just venting.
33 f 5'6 start: 246lbs goal: 130-140 current: 170
I want to start by saying I love my body. I did not love my body at 246 pounds. My knees were giving out, I never had energy, I hated looking in the mirror, none of my clothes fit, I didn't feel sexy or attracted to myself or want to be involved in sexy times with my husband or myself. I started loving my progress and feeling better around 210, getting down to 199 felt amazing. I'm continuing my journey because I've been skinnier before. When I was partying and carrying on a lot in my early 20s I was 115 which I know was not any healthier than 246 but I looked a hell of a lot better. I am aiming for in the 130s or if I feel like maintaining at 145 that's fine too. I maybe need to talk with a doctor about a good goal weight, but I'm not worried, I'll know when to start maintaining.
Let me start with my sister. In 2006ish my younger sister was hospitalized for the first of many times for anorexia. She's been in and out of many many many programs over the last 17 years. And for the last 2 years she's only been home for 3 months. I've come to terms with all of this over the years and I offer support and sisterly love as much as she will accept. We don't have the closest relationship, there's no hate, but we just never got the opportunity to bridge the gap between bickering kids and close sister adults. Mostly because of her treatment and some don't allow access to cell phones/internet.
Back to my weight journey: My weight has always been skinny, my whole life leading up to my freshman year of college, I have always been a twig. My senior year of high school when my sisters stuff really started i went from 120 to 130. Freshman year of college (2008) I went from 130 to 175 between August and May. Lots of beer, lots of late night snack runs, pizza, cafeteria food and not knowing how to choose healthy foods for myself since my parents always did that for me. Between freshman and sophomore year of college I swam a ton, and ate healthier. I went from 175 to 145 in about 3 and a half months. Then between sophomore year and senior year I was slowly back up to 185. My second senior year, I started running. Making healthier food choices and then unhealthy choices like intentionally drinking so much that I threw up all the alcohol calories. Skipping meals and going to bed starving. Not a good way to go about it but I reached my goal of 120 in 2013. After college I got into more partying and I was jobless and homeless (but kinda popular wink so I always had a place to stay one way or the other.) That's when I dipped down to 115 (2014). Realized this life wasn't sustainable and had a few friends sort of intervene me. So I put down the partying and gained a little weight. I was probably 130 pounds when my ex model/coke dealer boyfriend told me I looked like I'd gained weight. I lived right next to a Wendy's and went every day. Then I started working at a cheese shop. So it's 2016 and I'm 170 pounds and I meet my husband. He's larger and we are happy so we eat good food and hang out and get married and then all of a sudden it's january of 2023 and I'm 32 going to physical therapy for knee problems because I'm obese. February I kick it into gear and here I am today, down 76 pounds.
If you're still with me, thank you so much. Here's the actual rant:
My parents never comment on weight. They've seen me at 115, they've seen me at 246. They never really commented on weight when my sister and I were younger either, always encouraged second plates at dinner. My mom didn't say anything when I came home from college after my freshman 40. They've never been those parents. My sisters eating disorder comes from other mental health issues and trauma. My parents have been very encouraging of me through this recent weight loss. My dad has bought me 2 new pairs of shoes for walking and my mom was the first person to notice I was losing weight (I know I just said they don't comment on weight but she did when I lost 30 pounds at the start of thus year) Yesterday I was walking with them and I mentioned that I took my dog on what I like to call a "choose your own adventure" walk on thursday. I basically just follow her. She's 2 so she has a ton of energy and it ended up being 6 miles. Now for the record, and you can check my fitbit app, this is the first ever 6 mile walk I've done. The longest before was 5 miles and that was a few weeks before. I usually aim for 2 to 4 miles once or twice a week and at least a mile or 2 just for a regular daily walk. Part of this comes from my sister walking for very long walks every day and complaining in treatments when they dont let her pace or walk around. But my dad said something that caught me off guard. "We have one daughter with an eating disorder, we don't need another one" and then my mom chimed in with "yeah what's your goal, are you going to be able to stop dieting when you get there?" And I know damn well that both of these comments come from a place of trauma from the 17 years of my sisters struggle. But I am so offended. First of all I had disordered eating at 115lbs and they never said anything, and I had disordered eating at 246lbs and they never said anything. This is the healthiest I have probably been in almost 2 decades and the most rational I've ever been about feeding myself and exercising. I really try to not go into it because it makes me angry but I think part of the reason I started eating so much before and during college was subconsciously driven because my sister wasn't eating and I was trying to eat and set an example. I am not at all concerned about my weight loss journey. I don't have a goal in mind, but I already have stopped logging calories. I've developed healthy habits over the past 8 months. I'm sure that I won't have any issues when I get down to 140 or 130 or whatever. I'm not worried. I honestly don't care what the final range is. I just want to stay there when I get there. I know I can't reassure my parents because they'll probably still be worried. And I can't just say I've struggled with eating disorders too because I think that will worry them more. I just want them to know that this shouldn't worry them. I guess the best thing I can do is let them have their worry for me and just mind my own business and keep doing what I've been doing and when I get to my goal range, stay there. I mean at this point I've lost almost a third of my body weight. So I'm sure it's shocking. They've also been gone most of this summer so yesterday was the first time I've seen them in a couple months.
Anyway, thank you for reading I don't even know if I should post this essay. But it did feel good to type it out and I feel more at ease now. So thank you already for listening.
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